Yay, I'm Alive!

My last blog was written two days before my brain surgery.  Today marks six months of survival and recovery.  Although I have been struggling with depression during this time, I’d like to start a new series of blogs by writing something positive this morning.  And then maybe I’ll share what it has really been like -- trying to adjust to this post-surgery “life.”

Positivity?  Okay.  Optimism.  Being alive is definitely pretty awesome at times.  Plus, the spiritual side of myself reminds me that I chose to survive.  I chose to be here for my son, and I love being Valen’s mom.  I love how he loves me, and I’m grateful for every day I spend with him.  I want to heal, emotionally, so that I can share a happy life with him.

I started therapy yesterday.  Talking to someone will help me feel better, and hopefully more mentally organized.  My emotions have been all over the place in the past six months.  No patterns or predictability.  Not the familiar depression I’ve lived with most of my life.  It’s scary, but I am going to get through this.

I’m ready to focus on taking care of myself.  I’ve been writing a series of Self-Compassion blogs since the beginning of August.  As soon as I catch up on sleep, I’ll work on a nutrition and exercise plan.  But first -- sleep.

Man, this feels like a half-assed attempt at positivity.  ...  Just wanted to post something on my six-month-aversary of being alive.  Yay, I’m alive!  There you go ;)

Happy

Good morning, my friend :)

Today is awesome!

Kaylah, Valen, Jane, and Nate are sleeping.  In that order, according to where they are located, counterclockwise.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.  Kaylah is in my bed, Valen and Jane are on the couch, and Nate is in Valen's room.

I have 7 candles lit, and 3 of the window blinds are open so that I can see the snow and ice outside :)  Everything is beautiful, and I feel wonderful!

Kaylah's alarm will go off at 7:30.  She's going to call about her doctor's appointment at 10:00.

It is 4:45 a.m. (Eva Time) right now ;)  That means you are just waking up :)

I'm looking forward to our phone call.  We still have all day today, as well as tomorrow morning, before 11:00 a.m. (Sonia Time).  I'm sure the perfect Eva-Sonia-Phone-Call-Time will present itself soon!  I will text you at precisely that time :)

Everyone here at my house went to bed a little after midnight.  Last night?  This morning?  Time?

I did sleep.  I'm not worried about counting the minutes.  I'm enjoying some very peaceful quiet time right now, surrounded by people I love.

Today's weather forecast:  (32 / 0) * (Snow Showers / Wind) * (60%) * (~ 1 inch)

Nate was hoping for a Winter Wonderland ;)

So, for some strange reason, I am actually at peace with the fact that today's events will be partially unplanned.

I hope Kaylah's doctor's appointment goes well.  As soon as we know if they can fit her into today's schedule, then all 5 of us will pile into my little white spaceship.  Jane will drive.  Kaylah is going to the same doctor's office where Jane goes for her hormones.  They are supposed to do the initial blood tests today.  Starting hormone levels.  And then...  We wait for Kaylah's first prescriptions :)  She is excited!

The pizza place where we'd like to go for lunch should open at 11:30.  Asheville is freaking out about the snow and ice, though, so we will definitely call first!

Kaylah has to be at work by 3:45 today.  She's driving back here Friday morning, after work, and meeting Valen, Jane, and Nate at the hospital.

Valen is excited about buying a toy at the hospital gift shop on Friday.  He is absolutely loving all the visitors and attention!  He will be in very good hands during my surgery and recovery.  Knowing that fact is the best fucking feeling in the entire universe!  Comfort, reassurance, safety, peace, love, security, a sense of calm.  How can I possibly describe it?

And knowing that you and Kaylah will help Jane with Valen...  If...  Let's just say, "If."  Well, that truly puts me fully at ease.

I am not going to work on my will today.  I trust Jane to take care of any legal documentation that would need to be done.  I trust you.  I trust Kaylah.  All 3 of you.  100-fucking-percent.  I love the 3 of you almost as much as I love my beautiful, perfect, wonderful, amazing little boy.  And even though Valen has the number one place in my heart, I want all 3 of you to know how very, very, very close you are, standing right there next to him!

I love you, Eva.  You are my best friend.  We are the biggest dorks in the world!  3 years of almost DAILY emails!  Who the fuck does that?!?  Why are we so damn awesome?

I am scared, but I am also optimistic that I will make it through this.

Misty said that all she thought about when she needed her surgery last year was:  "18 years.  Just give me 18 years.  For Ema."  And now she's asking for 18 more :)  For Baby M, who will be here on July 23, 2015.  I can't wait to meet that baby!

I am happy.  I'm excited.  I have been given the most incredible gift.

The first few days after the MRI were difficult, but honestly, as of last Saturday morning (Valentine's Day), I have been living in a state of pure bliss.  Euphoria.

I said good morning to Kaylah at exactly 7:30 on Saturday.  (Actually, I said, "Happy Valentine's Day!")  Then she came to see me a little after 9 a.m.  We had a perfect day :)  She slept over Saturday night, and then Jane brought her a cheeseburger Sunday morning.  Jane, Valen, and I met Misty and Ema for lunch on Sunday.  The most awesome, perfect lunch!  Monday was awesome!  Tuesday was awesome!  Today is awesome!

And guess what...

Your morning email has arrived!

When is your mom's birthday?  I love Brenna's paintings!  And I was highly amused by all the pictures you've been posting on facebook this week.  Gotta love the static-balloon-butt science experiments!  Bob Ross trees!  And, "

She says if there's no school at school we just have to have it at home

 — feeling amused."  I absolutely loved that one!

The sun is coming up :)  It's almost 7 a.m.

I love having 4 sleeping family members in my house.  25 minutes until alarm time ;)

I will talk to you soon!  I hope you have a wonderful day :)

Grateful

I am grateful for unique, charismatic people who truly know how to live.  Beautiful, creative, introspective souls.  Actively present in the moment.  They choose to put love into seemingly simple tasks.  They reach out to others, listen, and offer support.  Attention, affection.  These friends don't judge, or push, or expect me to be anyone other than who I am right now.  They can see who I want to be.  And they know I am trying.

I'm grateful for each magical experience we have shared.  I cherish the memories, and I look forward to creating more.

I have met so many wonderful people who make my life more complete.  Significant.  Our interactions are immensely meaningful.  We learn from each other.  Connect.  And we feel less alone.

As I grow more confident, I exclusively seek out friends like this.  People who deserve the time I happily devote to them.  Because that's what I do.  I love.  And I give all of myself freely.  I'm grateful for those who recognize and appreciate my sincerity.

And finally, I'm especially thankful for the specific moments, when time briefly pauses, and I know I am loved.

Positivity

Just a quick life lesson for this month.  But it's a big one.

Positivity.

Life flows much more smoothly when you surround yourself with optimistic people.  They offer support and hope.  They lift you up each time life kicks you down.  No matter how many times life is screaming, "Stay down, bitch!"  You're stubborn as fuck, and you get up again.

I have somehow made it through the insanity of the past few months.  August will be better.  I mean, really.  This has to be the end, right?  Realism is fine.  Yeah, life is life.  But c'mon.  I would love for all of these storms to be over for as long as possible.

I'm tired.  My thoughts are scattered.  But I know I want to start out the new month tomorrow with happy sunshine, coffee, and my dorky morning emails (to the dorks who love my morning emails.  Love you!  ha ha)

To everyone who has offered support during my son's illness:  Thank you!  So much!  Your positivity and prayers helped us through a very scary time.  Hopefully his right eye will remain healthy, and the mysterious virus/disease will never attack his body again.

We're going to try to get back to a normal routine starting tomorrow.  We have to make up for a lost summer.  And then get ready for a new school year.  And all of Mommy's lists and chores and bills and grown‐up stuff.

I'm going to remain positive while I work my ass off to improve my son's life (and my life).  I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be.  And so is my son.  Nothing can bring him down.  Valen is healthy, happy, and completely back to normal.  He's charismatic, smart, funny, crazy (like his mom), and absolutely perfect.  I will never take his health for granted again.  He will be fine with vision in only one eye.  Nothing's gonna stop that kid from taking over the world.  And nothing's gonna stop either of us from living healthy, happy lives.  We'll just keep pushing forward, learning, growing, and staying strong.

Limbo Is Over

Sometimes life pushes you beyond what you think you can handle.  You keep getting tested, and it doesn't really matter if you pass or fail.  The next scenario has already begun, and all you can do is attempt to figure out each new challenge.

Life is being a complete dick to me right now, but I will make it through this.

My dad is gone.  He died a month ago today.  I wish I had more freedom to grieve, but the chaos won't give me one quiet minute.

I'm trying to take care of my son and his dad, but I'm running out of emotional resources to share with everyone.  My son has fallen into a state of depression.  His dad was already there.  Has been there.  Depressed.  Attempting to cope with coming out as a transgender woman.  I'm not in the best emotional state myself, so I'm doing a shitty job of being supportive.

My son also has to repeat Kindergarten next year, which ultimately will be a good thing.  But for now it's just part of the chaos and confusion.  There's no stability in my house at the moment, and I know I have to change this immediately.

Fuck feeling lonely, or unwanted, or unloved.  Fuck all the people who are making me feel this way right now.  I have good people around me.  I need to focus on them.

I think I've pretty much worked through how I've felt about wasting 7 years in a relationship with my son's dad, who wants to be a woman now.  That's Ryan's issue.  Not mine.  I have to let go of the past.  I'm fine.  Ryan will be fine.  And we both have to do everything we can to make sure Valen is fine.

It sucks that I didn't get to talk to my dad much in the last few months he was alive.  But at least our final conversation was a good one.  And it's not like his death was unexpected.  But I never could have imagined feeling the way I do right now.

Forgiveness came fast and hard, and not just for what my dad has done.  I find myself welcoming even the faintest hint of apology from those who choose to reach out to me now.  I'm letting go of judgement.  People can live their lives as they see fit.  I will only intervene if they ask.  I can accept everyone exactly as they are in this very moment.

It's time for me to move forward with my life.  Limbo is over.  I'm pretty sure limbo isn't this battleground of emotions that I've been dealing with lately.  So hey, I guess I made it through that part.  Just didn't realize this until I stopped and looked around.

In all the nothing that I've accomplished "on paper" lately, I've actually done some pretty amazing invisible things.  I have connected with people on ethereal, spiritual levels.  I've found a support group of friends who will tear the throats out of anyone who tries to hurt me.  (Seriously, watch out!  They're just as intense as I can be at times).

So, Dad, don't worry.  I'll be okay.  I've got this.  Somehow.  I have a plan.  And I'll make things better.  I'm setting up appointments for Valen today.  He'll start therapy, and we'll take him to the doctor to make sure nothing's physically wrong.  I'm going to look for a therapist for myself, too, as soon as Valen's appointments are made.  I have some ideas of what I'd like to do for work now.  And you know I'll kick ass with my resumes and interviews.  I always do.  Then I'll find my own apartment, and I'll start a brand new chapter in my life.  Clean pages.  A fresh outlook.  I'm strong enough to do this.  I have support.  And I know I am loved.

Let Go

Okay.  I'm going to make you some tea.  And we're gonna be friends.  From now on.

We have seven and a half days left of this month, and what we need to do is use them as practice.  It's time to learn how to be alone.  But not really alone.

Your friends have been so awesome lately.  One just called to check in on you, just now, as you were sitting down to write this.  And the others have been offering love and support and advice.  Everything is okay.  I know you want someone else to tell you that one day, but for now, you can be that someone for yourself.

Everything is okay.

You're feeling a little sad, but also excited and optimisitic.  Because things will get better.  They already are better.  Seeing and feeling the truth full force sucks sometimes, but ultimately it's going to move you forward.

And so what if this is fucking cheesy?  You're writing it just to get it out there.  Because you don't need to get all hormonal once a month to vent in blog form.  You can also be a dork and talk to yourself.  And drink your tea.  It's getting cold.

If you piss away the entire weekend talking to yourself, then that's fine.  You're pretty cool.  We can talk, and I promise to chill out a little.  Maybe you're not that annoying.  Or pathetic.  You're real, and some people don't mind that.  The people who love you love how real you are.  So focus on them.

And, speaking of real, why don't you work on taking that to the next level?  You're still holding back.  Still worrying, way too much, about what others think.  Stop.  It's wasting your time.  And theirs.  If they don't want to see who you really are, then they don't have to look.  Or listen.  Or feel.  Because you know a few of them are building those walls again.

Let go.  It's time.

Whatever's meant for you...  It's out there somewhere.  You're not going to find it by analyzing every stupid thing you've said or done.  Worrying definitely won't help.  Just relax.  Let go.  Move on.

I know this is hard for you because you experience emotion, love and loss, so intensely.  But you really are doing okay.  Better than okay.  You're kicking ass.  You're strong.  Smart.  Motivated.  Ready to go.  So go.  Anywhere the wind takes you.  And you will be fine.

Sorting through the Chaos

Still waiting.  Ryan hasn't found out about first shift yet.  I'm still stressed and lonely.  Busy with unhealthy distractions.  There are plenty of useful things I could be doing right now, but I feel like being a little bitch and whining "I don't wanna..."  The limbo should end at some point, but what if I have to wait another week or two before I know my work availability?  Being patient sucks.  My life kind of sucks.  I need sleep, and I act like a 3 year‐old without a nap when I'm overtired.

My "clean slate" for dating in May (and not acting like an idiot) lasted two and a half days.  Then I went full idiot.  And beyond, about a week later...  Yeah, yeah, I'm learning.  I can try again after I go back to work.  But for now I'm sad and lonely, and I wish I could get my shit together.

I question my emotional maturity.  I question everyone's, actually.  As humans we tend to regress in times of stress and uncertainty.  I haven't been acting very stable lately, but I hope all of my mistakes will eventually lead to progress.

So, for anyone who specifically knows what I mean by "mistakes," then...  I'm sorry.  I'm not perfect.  I fuck up.  I get scared.  Jealous.  Impatient.  Worried.  And you know what?  I always will.  I'm never going to be perfect, and neither will you.

I want to own the lovely mess that is my life.  I'm learning how to gracefully sort through the chaos.  I haven't exactly figured out where I stand on valuing my own self‐worth, but I know this is something I need to do.

Dating for the first time in 7 years obviously brings that straight to the forefront.  And using the word "straight" just makes me laugh.  Now that my ex has a boyfriend, I look back at the past 7 years quite differently.  It's definitely a mindfuck to go that long knowing your partner isn't attracted to you.  I internalized a lot that had very little to do with me.  And undoing the damage will take time.

The first guy I dated helped with that.  He was 100 percent honest with me, and still is.  I haven't seen him in a month, but he's around.  It's nice that I started out with two weeks of calm.  I mean, of course I fucked that up a little, but I don't think I behaved too badly.  I did okay, considering I have to relearn pretty much everything.

Then I got involved with two scary/creepy/possibly violent guys.  Eva wants me to buy pepper spray.  Eva's right.  I will, if I ever decide to leave the house again to meet a guy I don't already know.  I should probably only leave the house for work, and to hang out with female friends.  The Universe has me in time out, I think.

I've been talking to other people.  I tried to be friends with a guy who's fun to observe and spend time with, but he's pissed at me right now.  (Because I screwed up the friends part).  I just need to focus on getting out of here and moving on.

Work will mean money for a new apartment.  And a new apartment will mean sanity.  Well, some sanity.  I promise to never be completely sane.  That would just be silly.

Okay.  Solutions...  What can I do to not suck at life for the next few weeks?

I had a list the other day:

Milk
Bread
Divorce

For reals.  lol

I think we're good on milk and bread at the moment, so I should work on that divorce stuff.  Lots of resources online.  I just have to figure out a custody agreement after I get my own place.  We need to know who will be available to take care of Valen, depending on work and summer schedules...

And here I am, writing.  Mostly bullshit, but I'll post it anyway.

I have some ideas for sketches I want to work on.  After I finish losing weight (again.  And I will do it!!)  After that...  I want to get half‐sleeve tattoos on both arms.  And I want to design them myself.  I figure that's about a year out, but it might be fun to get started now.

I've been doing okay with exercise.  Need to do better with nutrition again.  The whole "get sad, eat too much" cycle needs to stop.  It's probably healthier than drugs or alcohol.  Cheaper than shopping.  But it's still a vice, and I need to find better ways to deal with feeling shitty.

What else?  Well, talking with friends will help.  Everyone seems to be busy at the moment, so that's why I'm here talking to myself.  But whenever people become unbusy, then maybe they'll be able to help me organize some of these thoughts.

Until then, I guess I'll continue writing and see how I do keeping myself company.  I wish I wasn't so damn annoying, though.  Gotta work on that ;)