Just a quick life lesson for this month. But it's a big one.
Positivity.
Life flows much more smoothly when you surround yourself with optimistic people. They offer support and hope. They lift you up each time life kicks you down. No matter how many times life is screaming, "Stay down, bitch!" You're stubborn as fuck, and you get up again.
I have somehow made it through the insanity of the past few months. August will be better. I mean, really. This has to be the end, right? Realism is fine. Yeah, life is life. But c'mon. I would love for all of these storms to be over for as long as possible.
I'm tired. My thoughts are scattered. But I know I want to start out the new month tomorrow with happy sunshine, coffee, and my dorky morning emails (to the dorks who love my morning emails. Love you! ha ha)
To everyone who has offered support during my son's illness: Thank you! So much! Your positivity and prayers helped us through a very scary time. Hopefully his right eye will remain healthy, and the mysterious virus/disease will never attack his body again.
We're going to try to get back to a normal routine starting tomorrow. We have to make up for a lost summer. And then get ready for a new school year. And all of Mommy's lists and chores and bills and grown‐up stuff.
I'm going to remain positive while I work my ass off to improve my son's life (and my life). I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. And so is my son. Nothing can bring him down. Valen is healthy, happy, and completely back to normal. He's charismatic, smart, funny, crazy (like his mom), and absolutely perfect. I will never take his health for granted again. He will be fine with vision in only one eye. Nothing's gonna stop that kid from taking over the world. And nothing's gonna stop either of us from living healthy, happy lives. We'll just keep pushing forward, learning, growing, and staying strong.
Sometimes life pushes you beyond what you think you can handle. You keep getting tested, and it doesn't really matter if you pass or fail. The next scenario has already begun, and all you can do is attempt to figure out each new challenge.
Life is being a complete dick to me right now, but I will make it through this.
My dad is gone. He died a month ago today. I wish I had more freedom to grieve, but the chaos won't give me one quiet minute.
I'm trying to take care of my son and his dad, but I'm running out of emotional resources to share with everyone. My son has fallen into a state of depression. His dad was already there. Has been there. Depressed. Attempting to cope with coming out as a transgender woman. I'm not in the best emotional state myself, so I'm doing a shitty job of being supportive.
My son also has to repeat Kindergarten next year, which ultimately will be a good thing. But for now it's just part of the chaos and confusion. There's no stability in my house at the moment, and I know I have to change this immediately.
Fuck feeling lonely, or unwanted, or unloved. Fuck all the people who are making me feel this way right now. I have good people around me. I need to focus on them.
I think I've pretty much worked through how I've felt about wasting 7 years in a relationship with my son's dad, who wants to be a woman now. That's Ryan's issue. Not mine. I have to let go of the past. I'm fine. Ryan will be fine. And we both have to do everything we can to make sure Valen is fine.
It sucks that I didn't get to talk to my dad much in the last few months he was alive. But at least our final conversation was a good one. And it's not like his death was unexpected. But I never could have imagined feeling the way I do right now.
Forgiveness came fast and hard, and not just for what my dad has done. I find myself welcoming even the faintest hint of apology from those who choose to reach out to me now. I'm letting go of judgement. People can live their lives as they see fit. I will only intervene if they ask. I can accept everyone exactly as they are in this very moment.
It's time for me to move forward with my life. Limbo is over. I'm pretty sure limbo isn't this battleground of emotions that I've been dealing with lately. So hey, I guess I made it through that part. Just didn't realize this until I stopped and looked around.
In all the nothing that I've accomplished "on paper" lately, I've actually done some pretty amazing invisible things. I have connected with people on ethereal, spiritual levels. I've found a support group of friends who will tear the throats out of anyone who tries to hurt me. (Seriously, watch out! They're just as intense as I can be at times).
So, Dad, don't worry. I'll be okay. I've got this. Somehow. I have a plan. And I'll make things better. I'm setting up appointments for Valen today. He'll start therapy, and we'll take him to the doctor to make sure nothing's physically wrong. I'm going to look for a therapist for myself, too, as soon as Valen's appointments are made. I have some ideas of what I'd like to do for work now. And you know I'll kick ass with my resumes and interviews. I always do. Then I'll find my own apartment, and I'll start a brand new chapter in my life. Clean pages. A fresh outlook. I'm strong enough to do this. I have support. And I know I am loved.
Okay. I'm going to make you some tea. And we're gonna be friends. From now on.
We have seven and a half days left of this month, and what we need to do is use them as practice. It's time to learn how to be alone. But not really alone.
Your friends have been so awesome lately. One just called to check in on you, just now, as you were sitting down to write this. And the others have been offering love and support and advice. Everything is okay. I know you want someone else to tell you that one day, but for now, you can be that someone for yourself.
Everything is okay.
You're feeling a little sad, but also excited and optimisitic. Because things will get better. They already are better. Seeing and feeling the truth full force sucks sometimes, but ultimately it's going to move you forward.
And so what if this is fucking cheesy? You're writing it just to get it out there. Because you don't need to get all hormonal once a month to vent in blog form. You can also be a dork and talk to yourself. And drink your tea. It's getting cold.
If you piss away the entire weekend talking to yourself, then that's fine. You're pretty cool. We can talk, and I promise to chill out a little. Maybe you're not that annoying. Or pathetic. You're real, and some people don't mind that. The people who love you love how real you are. So focus on them.
And, speaking of real, why don't you work on taking that to the next level? You're still holding back. Still worrying, way too much, about what others think. Stop. It's wasting your time. And theirs. If they don't want to see who you really are, then they don't have to look. Or listen. Or feel. Because you know a few of them are building those walls again.
Let go. It's time.
Whatever's meant for you... It's out there somewhere. You're not going to find it by analyzing every stupid thing you've said or done. Worrying definitely won't help. Just relax. Let go. Move on.
I know this is hard for you because you experience emotion, love and loss, so intensely. But you really are doing okay. Better than okay. You're kicking ass. You're strong. Smart. Motivated. Ready to go. So go. Anywhere the wind takes you. And you will be fine.
Still waiting. Ryan hasn't found out about first shift yet. I'm still stressed and lonely. Busy with unhealthy distractions. There are plenty of useful things I could be doing right now, but I feel like being a little bitch and whining "I don't wanna..." The limbo should end at some point, but what if I have to wait another week or two before I know my work availability? Being patient sucks. My life kind of sucks. I need sleep, and I act like a 3 year‐old without a nap when I'm overtired.
My "clean slate" for dating in May (and not acting like an idiot) lasted two and a half days. Then I went full idiot. And beyond, about a week later... Yeah, yeah, I'm learning. I can try again after I go back to work. But for now I'm sad and lonely, and I wish I could get my shit together.
I question my emotional maturity. I question everyone's, actually. As humans we tend to regress in times of stress and uncertainty. I haven't been acting very stable lately, but I hope all of my mistakes will eventually lead to progress.
So, for anyone who specifically knows what I mean by "mistakes," then... I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I fuck up. I get scared. Jealous. Impatient. Worried. And you know what? I always will. I'm never going to be perfect, and neither will you.
I want to own the lovely mess that is my life. I'm learning how to gracefully sort through the chaos. I haven't exactly figured out where I stand on valuing my own self‐worth, but I know this is something I need to do.
Dating for the first time in 7 years obviously brings that straight to the forefront. And using the word "straight" just makes me laugh. Now that my ex has a boyfriend, I look back at the past 7 years quite differently. It's definitely a mindfuck to go that long knowing your partner isn't attracted to you. I internalized a lot that had very little to do with me. And undoing the damage will take time.
The first guy I dated helped with that. He was 100 percent honest with me, and still is. I haven't seen him in a month, but he's around. It's nice that I started out with two weeks of calm. I mean, of course I fucked that up a little, but I don't think I behaved too badly. I did okay, considering I have to relearn pretty much everything.
Then I got involved with two scary/creepy/possibly violent guys. Eva wants me to buy pepper spray. Eva's right. I will, if I ever decide to leave the house again to meet a guy I don't already know. I should probably only leave the house for work, and to hang out with female friends. The Universe has me in time out, I think.
I've been talking to other people. I tried to be friends with a guy who's fun to observe and spend time with, but he's pissed at me right now. (Because I screwed up the friends part). I just need to focus on getting out of here and moving on.
Work will mean money for a new apartment. And a new apartment will mean sanity. Well, some sanity. I promise to never be completely sane. That would just be silly.
Okay. Solutions... What can I do to not suck at life for the next few weeks?
I had a list the other day:
Milk
Bread
Divorce
For reals. lol
I think we're good on milk and bread at the moment, so I should work on that divorce stuff. Lots of resources online. I just have to figure out a custody agreement after I get my own place. We need to know who will be available to take care of Valen, depending on work and summer schedules...
And here I am, writing. Mostly bullshit, but I'll post it anyway.
I have some ideas for sketches I want to work on. After I finish losing weight (again. And I will do it!!) After that... I want to get half‐sleeve tattoos on both arms. And I want to design them myself. I figure that's about a year out, but it might be fun to get started now.
I've been doing okay with exercise. Need to do better with nutrition again. The whole "get sad, eat too much" cycle needs to stop. It's probably healthier than drugs or alcohol. Cheaper than shopping. But it's still a vice, and I need to find better ways to deal with feeling shitty.
What else? Well, talking with friends will help. Everyone seems to be busy at the moment, so that's why I'm here talking to myself. But whenever people become unbusy, then maybe they'll be able to help me organize some of these thoughts.
Until then, I guess I'll continue writing and see how I do keeping myself company. I wish I wasn't so damn annoying, though. Gotta work on that ;)
It has been over a month since I last posted anything, and nope, I'm nowhere near feeling focused yet. I just reread last month's blog, and it seems even less focused than what I had written earlier this year. Even though the word "focus" is in the damn title. Oh well. Maybe someday.
I've been observing people for the past few weeks. Not coming to any conclusions about anything. Just watching. Listening. Interacting. Trying not to think too much. Well, yeah, of course I have been thinking too much. But I've been trying not to. See? It's progress. I think. Or... I don't think ;)
Found some big love with my girls. The female friends I never really had until now. I'm grateful to feel close to so many people who care about me. I love feeling safe and comfortable with them. I love being myself, being a smartass, saying things I probably shouldn't say, and they're still always here for me.
As for guys, I'm just being an idiot, like usual. But I think I'm getting a little better. Maybe calming down some. I don't know. I say, clean slate in May and see how things go.
Ryan still doesn't know what hours he'll be working this summer. I'm still waiting to start looking for jobs. I want to run out and grab one, but I can't yet. Trying not to go fucking insane. I kind of need to know my availabity first, and find out who'll be taking care of my kid, and then I can go for whatever I find. And get my own place. And get OUT. And then... Probably feel more sane? I hope.
So Ryan's seeing this really cool guy now. And people are finally starting to believe me that YES, I have actually been single for almost 2 years. And YES, that's why I've been a little bitchy for 7 years. ha ha
We also finished off everything I wanted to do to improve our financial crap. Car loan and credit card, done and done. And NOW I can file those divorce papers. Yay! I have things organized. Just have to wait for HIS FUCKING JOB before I can figure out our custody agreement. (You hear that, Universe? I did my part. Please do yours. Thanks.)
So yeah. I'm feeling good. April was an awesome month. I ran around in circles a little, but I came out ahead in the end. Now there's so much nothing I want to do. I better get started.
All of my life, and even before I was born, I've been a somewhat fucked up person. Could be partially my fault. Maybe I was an asshole in another plane of existence, and karma finally caught up with me. Or it could just be the ways things are. No big deal. Lessons learned. And I'm doing mostly okay right now.
I know the past year has been leading up to something awesome for me. I've had this heartfelt desire to reinvent myself. And I've worked through a million emotional hang-ups in a relatively short period of time.
I'm not there yet. I don't need to be. Where I am is here. And I have successfully found a place to focus.
I knew I wanted to move away from Early Childhood Education, for my own reasons. I've been thinking about helping older people. I've considered becoming a nutritionist, getting involved in women's issues, life coaching, etc. Doing something artistic. Photography... Still not sure...
But there already are plenty of people who kick ass at all of those things. And good for them. I'm grateful for wonderful people who care enough to want to help others. I'm sure I could join them, but I know myself, and I wouldn't really fit in.
I'm immature. I'm a dreamer. Life has kicked the shit out of me, and I still haven't fully healed.
I lived a full adult life from age 10 to age 18. Long, long story. But I will get to it, promise.
Even before that time, I was a broken child. Physically broken. Born with a tumor, followed by surgeries and scars and years of illness. My brother was told, "Muffy won't be around for very long. She's sick, and she'll probably die before she turns ten." My grandfather nicknamed me "Muffin" because I was pale white as a baby, and I had bright blue eyes. Not the most cheerful of nicknames.
I grew up too fast, got married young, and by the time I finished college, I just wanted to run away. So I did.
I became an Early Childhood teacher, because I thought I had learned everything important in life by age 10. That's the year my grandmother died. I know things would have been different had she still been alive when I was a teenager. Luckily, I did have others who helped me survive back then. And I owe my life to them.
But what about the kids who aren't so lucky? Who do they have? Youtubers, pop culture icons, and "friends" on social media?
Granted, there are tons of awesome people on youtube. And if you need someone to talk to, it's easy to search for great online communities. But I know I can add something that might not exist yet.
It helps that I've kind of (but not totally) sucked at life for the past (mumble, mumble) years. ha ha
Yes, I was a great teacher. I loved my students. But I never stayed anywhere long enough to leave a huge impact on the community. I'm a feather in the wind. I'm the emotional warrior. I'm a freaking nerd online, and I should own that. I'm good at it. I can connect with people. Even those who haven't met me in person.
I've always been interested in learning more about adolescent development and the issues today's teenagers face. I've been watching and listening. I'm not sure why I haven't stepped in to do something yet, but it's probably because I needed to learn more about myself first.
I'm going to spend a lot of time researching teen help websites and forums. I also want to brainstorm ideas with my friends. Lots of paths to explore. Not exactly sure how everything will develop... But I'm excited. I thought I'd quickly write this and post it tonight. Fresh in my mind.
I haven't blogged in a while, because life decided to happen again. (Seems like it does that from time to time). Then I thought, maybe it will be good for me to get some sort of life update in writing. Hey, there's a good title...
(A warning to friends and family who don't know me well: This is going to get fairly detailed. I've been trying to find a way to purge a tiny bit of what's going on inside my head. My goal isn't to blame others. I just want to understand why I'm feeling this way. And yes, I did ask Ryan to read this before I published it. I have not said anything here that we haven't already discussed).
So... Last month Ryan and I were considering moving back to Arizona. We knew we had to wait until things felt right before we made a decision. Ryan had a review coming up at work, and we weren't sure how that would go. Well, it turns out that his job really wants him here. And most likely, the universe thinks we should stay in North Carolina for at least one more year. I might even be okay with staying here indefinitely, as long as I can visit Arizona as often as possible.
Things happen quickly for us. After only a few days of looking, we found a cheaper place to stay (and signed the lease). Officially committing to NOT moving across the country this year! So weird...
Ryan will be able to afford the new place on his own once I find my own apartment. And I'll be happy there while I help him take care of all the details. I will finally have a safe street for my daily walks. And I'll still have my own room and bathroom. (No boys allowed! ha ha) And... I think we're definitely moving in the right direction.
We'll slowly move throughout the month of March. Valen will transfer to a new school in April. We're not happy with his current school, so changing districts was part of the plan.
Valen is doing fine in general. He's healthy, happy, and well-adjusted. His speech is improving, but his current school did drop his speech therapy. We're going to ask the new school to reevaluate him. We also think he would benefit from repeating Kindergarten next year.
The only reason Ryan and I are still living together as roommates is our son, Valen. We know we haven't done the best job staying in one place, and we don't want Valen to feel insecure or stressed by our constant indecision. I'm not going to get my own apartment until things feel 100% stable.
And I suppose I also mean, I want to feel 100% stable. Or, at least in the B minus range. No one's perfect.
I feel like I've given up a part of myself for almost 7 years. Ryan and I met online the summer of 2007. We considered ourselves hiking buddies, but then things did become romantic for a few months. We met in June, found out we were pregnant in July, but honestly, the relationship was over by October. I was teaching at a preschool at the time, and Ryan was still looking for work. Then something happened that broke my trust. There's no need for me to elaborate, but I do think the love was gone after that.
We had the baby, struggled to pay bills, and then my old boss from Arizona asked if I was ready to move back yet. We thought we'd be fine back where we felt at home, but things still seemed off.
Changing jobs again didn't help. Ryan stayed home with Valen while I taught Kindergarten. I felt torn, caring for other children, instead of being home with my own son. It was the only way for us to get by, though. I had helped Ryan get his G.E.D. the year before, but he still didn't have many career options. I was so miserable that I was literally making myself sick. Working, taking care of Valen when I got home, and not taking care of myself. I was gaining weight again, and my kidney disease was getting worse. I finally ended up in the emergency room, running up a ton of medical bills while they ran tests on my kidneys.
By then Ryan and I were trying to make our marriage work. I thought it would be a good idea to get married before accepting a new job in a small town. I thought that's what would be best for Valen. Ryan and I were good friends, and we did feel love for each other. But I wasn't being honest with myself. There was nothing romantic about our relationship. Ryan is a good person, and he did try to do the right thing. He decided to look for a job after I got out of the hospital. Our new plan was for him to build a career while I stayed home with Valen for the first time.
Ryan did his best, but the bad luck he had with jobs over the years was beyond anyone's control. The worst luck was in Scottsdale, AZ. An aircraft detailing company hired him for a full-time position, but then they could only offer him 15 to 20 hours per week. Thankfully, I was working as a nanny at the time. And the family who hired me gave me more hours (and occasional bonuses), because they felt bad for us. It feels pretty shitty being someone's charity case. But I am grateful that they cared enough to help.
Other than being dirt poor, I was actually doing okay in Scottsdale. I was able to lose a lot of weight, walking and hiking almost every day. Ryan and I were getting along. But we knew we had to try again with his career. And here we are now, 3 years later, and we have done just that.
Ryan's doing great. He's kicking ass at his job. He's happy living in North Carolina. Valen's happy. The cats are happy. And I feel like the asshole, being the only one who doesn't know how to maintain happiness.
I've gained back every single pound I lost in Scottsdale. I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I don't know what I want for a career. My family hates me. Ryan's family hates me. I feel like this fat fucking loser. I'm so grateful for the friends who do seem to have respect for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. And other times I know I shouldn't be talking like this. Writing about everyone hating me. It's immature. It's pathetic. It's only validating their twisted, unfair opinions of me. (Fairness, now that's a mature subject! Fuck it. I'm sad, and I feel like a little kid right now).
I'm just so exhausted from holding everything together for so many years. On my own. Any support I've received has come from the few friends who do seem to understand some of what I'm going through. Ryan is my friend, but he has never stood by me, as a husband, or boyfriend. He is trying to be supportive now, but I think that's only because I've spent years teaching him how to offer support.
I'm still crawling out of the hole I dug when I quit teaching Kindergarten. Financially, emotionally... I met with the bank yesterday, and I think I'll have our finances repaired in less than a year. But what about me? In a lot of ways, I'm still broken. At the same time, I know I'm strong. I know I'm not worthless. I know I can figure this out.
That's why I'm writing. Sentence fragments, incorrect grammar... Don't care. I just want this out of my head. I just want to be me. I'm not a teacher. Not anymore. Definitely not a writer, either. Ha! But maybe I will find my niche with something creative.
Ryan wants me to stay with him while I focus on taking care of myself for once. But I'm worried that I'm just using our friendship as a crutch. I don't know...
Valen will start at his new school in April, and I need to be there for him. Then I'll have to figure out summer daycare. I could probably work part-time if Ryan stays on the night shift, but he's hoping a day shift position will be available soon. So many variables... I want the boys to be settled first, before I officially reinvent myself.
I can do some of the work now. Just putting myself out there, listening to feedback, etc. It's scary, but I know it's good for me.
We can start moving our stuff into the new place next week. Then Valen has doctor and dentist appointments. Cats need rabies shots. I have all the forwarding, changing over bills, insurance, etc. crap to do for Ryan's new place. Then Valen's birthday. Party stuff. (Maybe a sleepover with Alayna and Isaac). Meeting with Valen's current teacher. Transferring paperwork to the new school. Visiting Eva. (She's adopting Spirit for us, because we're only allowed one cat at the new place. Thank you, Eva! We're so glad you understand what Spirit means to us). And... Yeah, I almost started car shopping this month, but thankfully the bank wants us to wait until April. The universe does have my back sometimes!
If I find the time to write in between all of this, I think it might help keep me centered. And once it's all done, I will sketch and paint and learn more about photography. And then I'll look for a real job. (Yay...) And. Oh yeah. I think I will let Ryan record me singing for the first time since I was a kid. The song we're planning is sooooooo not what anyone would expect from me. I should just go for it. And then blog about what it means. That song. Yeah, I want to do that.
Okay. Thank you to everyone who has read this far. Comments (good, bad, or ugly) are welcome. No damn time for therapy ;)
