April

It has been over a month since I last posted anything, and nope, I'm nowhere near feeling focused yet.  I just reread last month's blog, and it seems even less focused than what I had written earlier this year.  Even though the word "focus" is in the damn title.  Oh well.  Maybe someday.

I've been observing people for the past few weeks.  Not coming to any conclusions about anything.  Just watching.  Listening.  Interacting.  Trying not to think too much.  Well, yeah, of course I have been thinking too much.  But I've been trying not to.  See?  It's progress.  I think.  Or...  I don't think ;)

Found some big love with my girls.  The female friends I never really had until now.  I'm grateful to feel close to so many people who care about me.  I love feeling safe and comfortable with them.  I love being myself, being a smartass, saying things I probably shouldn't say, and they're still always here for me.

As for guys, I'm just being an idiot, like usual.  But I think I'm getting a little better.  Maybe calming down some.  I don't know.  I say, clean slate in May and see how things go.

Ryan still doesn't know what hours he'll be working this summer.  I'm still waiting to start looking for jobs.  I want to run out and grab one, but I can't yet.  Trying not to go fucking insane.  I kind of need to know my availabity first, and find out who'll be taking care of my kid, and then I can go for whatever I find.  And get my own place.  And get OUT.  And then...  Probably feel more sane?  I hope.

So Ryan's seeing this really cool guy now.  And people are finally starting to believe me that YES, I have actually been single for almost 2 years.  And YES, that's why I've been a little bitchy for 7 years.  ha ha

We also finished off everything I wanted to do to improve our financial crap.  Car loan and credit card, done and done.  And NOW I can file those divorce papers.  Yay!  I have things organized.  Just have to wait for HIS FUCKING JOB before I can figure out our custody agreement.  (You hear that, Universe?  I did my part.  Please do yours.  Thanks.)

So yeah.  I'm feeling good.  April was an awesome month.  I ran around in circles a little, but I came out ahead in the end.  Now there's so much nothing I want to do.  I better get started.

A Place to Focus

All of my life, and even before I was born, I've been a somewhat fucked up person.  Could be partially my fault.  Maybe I was an asshole in another plane of existence, and karma finally caught up with me.  Or it could just be the ways things are.  No big deal.  Lessons learned.  And I'm doing mostly okay right now.

I know the past year has been leading up to something awesome for me.   I've had this heartfelt desire to reinvent myself.  And I've worked through a million emotional hang-ups in a relatively short period of time.

I'm not there yet.  I don't need to be.  Where I am is here.  And I have successfully found a place to focus.

I knew I wanted to move away from Early Childhood Education, for my own reasons.  I've been thinking about helping older people.  I've considered becoming a nutritionist, getting involved in women's issues, life coaching, etc.  Doing something artistic.  Photography...  Still not sure...

But there already are plenty of people who kick ass at all of those things.  And good for them.  I'm grateful for wonderful people who care enough to want to help others.  I'm sure I could join them, but I know myself, and I wouldn't really fit in.

I'm immature.  I'm a dreamer.  Life has kicked the shit out of me, and I still haven't fully healed.

I lived a full adult life from age 10 to age 18.  Long, long story.  But I will get to it, promise.

Even before that time, I was a broken child.  Physically broken.  Born with a tumor, followed by surgeries and scars and years of illness.  My brother was told, "Muffy won't be around for very long.  She's sick, and she'll probably die before she turns ten."  My grandfather nicknamed me "Muffin" because I was pale white as a baby, and I had bright blue eyes.  Not the most cheerful of nicknames.

I grew up too fast, got married young, and by the time I finished college, I just wanted to run away.  So I did.

I became an Early Childhood teacher, because I thought I had learned everything important in life by age 10.  That's the year my grandmother died.  I know things would have been different had she still been alive when I was a teenager.  Luckily, I did have others who helped me survive back then.  And I owe my life to them.

But what about the kids who aren't so lucky?  Who do they have?  Youtubers, pop culture icons, and "friends" on social media?

Granted, there are tons of awesome people on youtube.  And if you need someone to talk to, it's easy to search for great online communities.  But I know I can add something that might not exist yet.

It helps that I've kind of (but not totally) sucked at life for the past (mumble, mumble) years.  ha ha

Yes, I was a great teacher.  I loved my students.  But I never stayed anywhere long enough to leave a huge impact on the community.  I'm a feather in the wind.  I'm the emotional warrior.  I'm a freaking nerd online, and I should own that.  I'm good at it.  I can connect with people.  Even those who haven't met me in person.

I've always been interested in learning more about adolescent development and the issues today's teenagers face.  I've been watching and listening.  I'm not sure why I haven't stepped in to do something yet, but it's probably because I needed to learn more about myself first.

I'm going to spend a lot of time researching teen help websites and forums.  I also want to brainstorm ideas with my friends.  Lots of paths to explore.  Not exactly sure how everything will develop...  But I'm excited.  I thought I'd quickly write this and post it tonight.  Fresh in my mind.

Life Update

I haven't blogged in a while, because life decided to happen again.  (Seems like it does that from time to time).  Then I thought, maybe it will be good for me to get some sort of life update in writing.  Hey, there's a good title...

(A warning to friends and family who don't know me well:  This is going to get fairly detailed.  I've been trying to find a way to purge a tiny bit of what's going on inside my head.  My goal isn't to blame others.  I just want to understand why I'm feeling this way.  And yes, I did ask Ryan to read this before I published it.  I have not said anything here that we haven't already discussed).

So...  Last month Ryan and I were considering moving back to Arizona.  We knew we had to wait until things felt right before we made a decision.  Ryan had a review coming up at work, and we weren't sure how that would go.  Well, it turns out that his job really wants him here.  And most likely, the universe thinks we should stay in North Carolina for at least one more year.  I might even be okay with staying here indefinitely, as long as I can visit Arizona as often as possible.

Things happen quickly for us.  After only a few days of looking, we found a cheaper place to stay (and signed the lease).  Officially committing to NOT moving across the country this year!  So weird...  

Ryan will be able to afford the new place on his own once I find my own apartment.  And I'll be happy there while I help him take care of all the details.  I will finally have a safe street for my daily walks.  And I'll still have my own room and bathroom.  (No boys allowed!  ha ha)  And...  I think we're definitely moving in the right direction.

We'll slowly move throughout the month of March.  Valen will transfer to a new school in April.  We're not happy with his current school, so changing districts was part of the plan.

Valen is doing fine in general.  He's healthy, happy, and well-adjusted.  His speech is improving, but his current school did drop his speech therapy.  We're going to ask the new school to reevaluate him.  We also think he would benefit from repeating Kindergarten next year.

The only reason Ryan and I are still living together as roommates is our son, Valen.  We know we haven't done the best job staying in one place, and we don't want Valen to feel insecure or stressed by our constant indecision.  I'm not going to get my own apartment until things feel 100% stable.

And I suppose I also mean, I want to feel 100% stable.  Or, at least in the B minus range.  No one's perfect.

I feel like I've given up a part of myself for almost 7 years.  Ryan and I met online the summer of 2007.  We considered ourselves hiking buddies, but then things did become romantic for a few months.  We met in June, found out we were pregnant in July, but honestly, the relationship was over by October.  I was teaching at a preschool at the time, and Ryan was still looking for work.  Then something happened that broke my trust.  There's no need for me to elaborate, but I do think the love was gone after that.

We had the baby, struggled to pay bills, and then my old boss from Arizona asked if I was ready to move back yet.  We thought we'd be fine back where we felt at home, but things still seemed off.

Changing jobs again didn't help.  Ryan stayed home with Valen while I taught Kindergarten.  I felt torn, caring for other children, instead of being home with my own son.  It was the only way for us to get by, though.  I had helped Ryan get his G.E.D. the year before, but he still didn't have many career options.  I was so miserable that I was literally making myself sick.  Working, taking care of Valen when I got home, and not taking care of myself.  I was gaining weight again, and my kidney disease was getting worse.  I finally ended up in the emergency room, running up a ton of medical bills while they ran tests on my kidneys.

By then Ryan and I were trying to make our marriage work.  I thought it would be a good idea to get married before accepting a new job in a small town.  I thought that's what would be best for Valen.  Ryan and I were good friends, and we did feel love for each other.  But I wasn't being honest with myself.  There was nothing romantic about our relationship.  Ryan is a good person, and he did try to do the right thing.  He decided to look for a job after I got out of the hospital.  Our new plan was for him to build a career while I stayed home with Valen for the first time.

Ryan did his best, but the bad luck he had with jobs over the years was beyond anyone's control.  The worst luck was in Scottsdale, AZ.  An aircraft detailing company hired him for a full-time position, but then they could only offer him 15 to 20 hours per week.  Thankfully, I was working as a nanny at the time.  And the family who hired me gave me more hours (and occasional bonuses), because they felt bad for us.  It feels pretty shitty being someone's charity case.  But I am grateful that they cared enough to help.

Other than being dirt poor, I was actually doing okay in Scottsdale.  I was able to lose a lot of weight, walking and hiking almost every day.  Ryan and I were getting along.  But we knew we had to try again with his career.  And here we are now, 3 years later, and we have done just that.

Ryan's doing great.  He's kicking ass at his job.  He's happy living in North Carolina.  Valen's happy.  The cats are happy.  And I feel like the asshole, being the only one who doesn't know how to maintain happiness.

I've gained back every single pound I lost in Scottsdale.  I don't want to be a teacher anymore.  I don't know what I want for a career.  My family hates me.  Ryan's family hates me.  I feel like this fat fucking loser.  I'm so grateful for the friends who do seem to have respect for me.  Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it.  And other times I know I shouldn't be talking like this.  Writing about everyone hating me.  It's immature.  It's pathetic.  It's only validating their twisted, unfair opinions of me.  (Fairness, now that's a mature subject!  Fuck it.  I'm sad, and I feel like a little kid right now).

I'm just so exhausted from holding everything together for so many years.  On my own.  Any support I've received has come from the few friends who do seem to understand some of what I'm going through.  Ryan is my friend, but he has never stood by me, as a husband, or boyfriend.  He is trying to be supportive now, but I think that's only because I've spent years teaching him how to offer support.

I'm still crawling out of the hole I dug when I quit teaching Kindergarten.  Financially, emotionally...  I met with the bank yesterday, and I think I'll have our finances repaired in less than a year.  But what about me?  In a lot of ways, I'm still broken.  At the same time, I know I'm strong.  I know I'm not worthless.  I know I can figure this out.

That's why I'm writing.  Sentence fragments, incorrect grammar...  Don't care.  I just want this out of my head.  I just want to be me.  I'm not a teacher.  Not anymore.  Definitely not a writer, either.  Ha!  But maybe I will find my niche with something creative.

Ryan wants me to stay with him while I focus on taking care of myself for once.  But I'm worried that I'm just using our friendship as a crutch.  I don't know...

Valen will start at his new school in April, and I need to be there for him.  Then I'll have to figure out summer daycare.  I could probably work part-time if Ryan stays on the night shift, but he's hoping a day shift position will be available soon.  So many variables...  I want the boys to be settled first, before I officially reinvent myself.

I can do some of the work now.  Just putting myself out there, listening to feedback, etc.  It's scary, but I know it's good for me.

We can start moving our stuff into the new place next week.  Then Valen has doctor and dentist appointments.  Cats need rabies shots.  I have all the forwarding, changing over bills, insurance, etc. crap to do for Ryan's new place.  Then Valen's birthday.  Party stuff.  (Maybe a sleepover with Alayna and Isaac).  Meeting with Valen's current teacher.  Transferring paperwork to the new school.  Visiting Eva.  (She's adopting Spirit for us, because we're only allowed one cat at the new place.  Thank you, Eva!  We're so glad you understand what Spirit means to us).  And...  Yeah, I almost started car shopping this month, but thankfully the bank wants us to wait until April.  The universe does have my back sometimes!

If I find the time to write in between all of this, I think it might help keep me centered.  And once it's all done, I will sketch and paint and learn more about photography.  And then I'll look for a real job.  (Yay...)  And.  Oh yeah.  I think I will let Ryan record me singing for the first time since I was a kid.  The song we're planning is sooooooo not what anyone would expect from me.  I should just go for it.  And then blog about what it means.  That song.  Yeah, I want to do that.

Okay.  Thank you to everyone who has read this far.  Comments (good, bad, or ugly) are welcome.  No damn time for therapy ;)

A Work in Progress

Some of us are books with a thousand chapters.  Love stories, adventures, and tragedies -- delicately interwoven.  We live our lives engrossed in the current scene.  If we're lucky, plenty of pages still await.

Who will your character become?  You are the protagonist.  Choose to be the hero of your own story.  Each decision will add depth to your epic tale.  Blind the villains with your inner light.  Do not allow them to cast shadows on the path ahead.

Where will the narrative take you?  Are you happy with this destination?  Perhaps it's time to stop and rest.  Reflect, just for a little while.  It's okay if certain ideas aren't ready to connect.  There's no need to worry whether or not it all makes sense.

Complexities and contradictions prove that you've led a life worth living.  Document every honest emotion.  Be thankful for plot twists and unforeseen changes.  Your story is more than a mere tabloid headline or one-hit wonder.  It's an authentic read for those who want to experience something real.

Listen to your audience as you share these personal anecdotes.  They will see parts of you that you've never observed.  Allow what you've learned to influence new words, new lines.  Keep writing.  Keep creating.  This novel, this life, is a work in progress.

Finding the Balance

Peace does not come by force.  It is the result of communication, compassion, and the desire to understand all sides of the story.  The same is true for your own story, and finding the peace within.  You must talk to the demons.  Listen patiently, and take time to reflect.  Why are they here?  Why is this happening?

Life is dynamic.  It's meant to be this way.  Every emotion serves its unique purpose.  The highs and lows add depth to the plain of your existence.

At some point you and your demons will come to an agreement.  Sign that treaty and move on.  The best is yet to come.

Sadness

Empathy is a bitch sometimes.  In any given moment, I generally have an all-too-clear sense of how others are feeling.  Problems start to arise when I begin taking on emotions from vicious, vindictive people who find entertainment in causing pain.  It would make sense to simply avoid these assholes, but what happens when you're related to them?

I'm better off hoping for some sort of extraterrestrial heritage.  It seems much more likely than accepting my life for what it is.  Or, what it has been.  Because I'm finally learning how to take ownership of my present life.  And certain people shouldn't be allowed any part of what is mine.

I will save my sadness for those who deserve to receive its purity and love.  I will learn how to calm my emotional response after being attacked.  I'll strengthen my instincts for self-preservation.

Or maybe I'll just cut myself free.  I don't belong in their world.  I like mine better anyhow.

Happiness

Can happiness be taught?  Is it possible to permanently influence a person's outlook on life?

If I look at my own life -- my childhood, my choices, events that have changed my path -- what have I learned about happiness?

My childhood was difficult.  It still is.  I'm 33 -- yet I remain a child in many ways.  I feel (and have always felt) unloved by my family.  I'm glad I've come to accept this feeling, but I wish I could overpower it.  I'd prefer to view the idea with pure logic, rather than allow it to fuck with my emotions.  Would that help increase my happiness?  If I could let go of unrealistic disappointment?

Can I choose to be happy?  They say you can, but am I one of the exceptions?  Have I already screwed up too many times?  I don't think I have.  There's still hope for me, even if redemption is decades away.

And then there's guilt.  Yes, guilt.  Because I should be happy.  Because I do have a good life.  My son is the love of my life.  His dad is my best friend.  We're not together (in a romantic sense), but hey -- you can't have everything.  What I do have is wonderful.  A few of my friends continue to be present in my life.  They seem to recognize something worthwhile in me.  I am grateful for them, and Ryan, and, of course, Valen.

I was given the gift of the most precious, perfect little boy.  Valen is the definition of happiness.  I could learn everything I need to know from him.  I should quit this tedious self-analysis and start paying more attention to the Master of Joy.  My son was put on this planet to educate everyone he meets about the true meaning of life.  (And he's doing a kick-ass job so far!)

What does this mean for me?  What can I do to help others find happiness?  For starters, I suppose I should secure a better grasp on my own well-being.  I'm getting there.  Writing is helping me understand my feelings.  As soon as I have some sort of happiness epiphany, I'll be sure to let everyone know!