I haven't blogged in a while, because life decided to happen again. (Seems like it does that from time to time). Then I thought, maybe it will be good for me to get some sort of life update in writing. Hey, there's a good title...
(A warning to friends and family who don't know me well: This is going to get fairly detailed. I've been trying to find a way to purge a tiny bit of what's going on inside my head. My goal isn't to blame others. I just want to understand why I'm feeling this way. And yes, I did ask Ryan to read this before I published it. I have not said anything here that we haven't already discussed).
So... Last month Ryan and I were considering moving back to Arizona. We knew we had to wait until things felt right before we made a decision. Ryan had a review coming up at work, and we weren't sure how that would go. Well, it turns out that his job really wants him here. And most likely, the universe thinks we should stay in North Carolina for at least one more year. I might even be okay with staying here indefinitely, as long as I can visit Arizona as often as possible.
Things happen quickly for us. After only a few days of looking, we found a cheaper place to stay (and signed the lease). Officially committing to NOT moving across the country this year! So weird...
Ryan will be able to afford the new place on his own once I find my own apartment. And I'll be happy there while I help him take care of all the details. I will finally have a safe street for my daily walks. And I'll still have my own room and bathroom. (No boys allowed! ha ha) And... I think we're definitely moving in the right direction.
We'll slowly move throughout the month of March. Valen will transfer to a new school in April. We're not happy with his current school, so changing districts was part of the plan.
Valen is doing fine in general. He's healthy, happy, and well-adjusted. His speech is improving, but his current school did drop his speech therapy. We're going to ask the new school to reevaluate him. We also think he would benefit from repeating Kindergarten next year.
The only reason Ryan and I are still living together as roommates is our son, Valen. We know we haven't done the best job staying in one place, and we don't want Valen to feel insecure or stressed by our constant indecision. I'm not going to get my own apartment until things feel 100% stable.
And I suppose I also mean, I want to feel 100% stable. Or, at least in the B minus range. No one's perfect.
I feel like I've given up a part of myself for almost 7 years. Ryan and I met online the summer of 2007. We considered ourselves hiking buddies, but then things did become romantic for a few months. We met in June, found out we were pregnant in July, but honestly, the relationship was over by October. I was teaching at a preschool at the time, and Ryan was still looking for work. Then something happened that broke my trust. There's no need for me to elaborate, but I do think the love was gone after that.
We had the baby, struggled to pay bills, and then my old boss from Arizona asked if I was ready to move back yet. We thought we'd be fine back where we felt at home, but things still seemed off.
Changing jobs again didn't help. Ryan stayed home with Valen while I taught Kindergarten. I felt torn, caring for other children, instead of being home with my own son. It was the only way for us to get by, though. I had helped Ryan get his G.E.D. the year before, but he still didn't have many career options. I was so miserable that I was literally making myself sick. Working, taking care of Valen when I got home, and not taking care of myself. I was gaining weight again, and my kidney disease was getting worse. I finally ended up in the emergency room, running up a ton of medical bills while they ran tests on my kidneys.
By then Ryan and I were trying to make our marriage work. I thought it would be a good idea to get married before accepting a new job in a small town. I thought that's what would be best for Valen. Ryan and I were good friends, and we did feel love for each other. But I wasn't being honest with myself. There was nothing romantic about our relationship. Ryan is a good person, and he did try to do the right thing. He decided to look for a job after I got out of the hospital. Our new plan was for him to build a career while I stayed home with Valen for the first time.
Ryan did his best, but the bad luck he had with jobs over the years was beyond anyone's control. The worst luck was in Scottsdale, AZ. An aircraft detailing company hired him for a full-time position, but then they could only offer him 15 to 20 hours per week. Thankfully, I was working as a nanny at the time. And the family who hired me gave me more hours (and occasional bonuses), because they felt bad for us. It feels pretty shitty being someone's charity case. But I am grateful that they cared enough to help.
Other than being dirt poor, I was actually doing okay in Scottsdale. I was able to lose a lot of weight, walking and hiking almost every day. Ryan and I were getting along. But we knew we had to try again with his career. And here we are now, 3 years later, and we have done just that.
Ryan's doing great. He's kicking ass at his job. He's happy living in North Carolina. Valen's happy. The cats are happy. And I feel like the asshole, being the only one who doesn't know how to maintain happiness.
I've gained back every single pound I lost in Scottsdale. I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I don't know what I want for a career. My family hates me. Ryan's family hates me. I feel like this fat fucking loser. I'm so grateful for the friends who do seem to have respect for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. And other times I know I shouldn't be talking like this. Writing about everyone hating me. It's immature. It's pathetic. It's only validating their twisted, unfair opinions of me. (Fairness, now that's a mature subject! Fuck it. I'm sad, and I feel like a little kid right now).
I'm just so exhausted from holding everything together for so many years. On my own. Any support I've received has come from the few friends who do seem to understand some of what I'm going through. Ryan is my friend, but he has never stood by me, as a husband, or boyfriend. He is trying to be supportive now, but I think that's only because I've spent years teaching him how to offer support.
I'm still crawling out of the hole I dug when I quit teaching Kindergarten. Financially, emotionally... I met with the bank yesterday, and I think I'll have our finances repaired in less than a year. But what about me? In a lot of ways, I'm still broken. At the same time, I know I'm strong. I know I'm not worthless. I know I can figure this out.
That's why I'm writing. Sentence fragments, incorrect grammar... Don't care. I just want this out of my head. I just want to be me. I'm not a teacher. Not anymore. Definitely not a writer, either. Ha! But maybe I will find my niche with something creative.
Ryan wants me to stay with him while I focus on taking care of myself for once. But I'm worried that I'm just using our friendship as a crutch. I don't know...
Valen will start at his new school in April, and I need to be there for him. Then I'll have to figure out summer daycare. I could probably work part-time if Ryan stays on the night shift, but he's hoping a day shift position will be available soon. So many variables... I want the boys to be settled first, before I officially reinvent myself.
I can do some of the work now. Just putting myself out there, listening to feedback, etc. It's scary, but I know it's good for me.
We can start moving our stuff into the new place next week. Then Valen has doctor and dentist appointments. Cats need rabies shots. I have all the forwarding, changing over bills, insurance, etc. crap to do for Ryan's new place. Then Valen's birthday. Party stuff. (Maybe a sleepover with Alayna and Isaac). Meeting with Valen's current teacher. Transferring paperwork to the new school. Visiting Eva. (She's adopting Spirit for us, because we're only allowed one cat at the new place. Thank you, Eva! We're so glad you understand what Spirit means to us). And... Yeah, I almost started car shopping this month, but thankfully the bank wants us to wait until April. The universe does have my back sometimes!
If I find the time to write in between all of this, I think it might help keep me centered. And once it's all done, I will sketch and paint and learn more about photography. And then I'll look for a real job. (Yay...) And. Oh yeah. I think I will let Ryan record me singing for the first time since I was a kid. The song we're planning is sooooooo not what anyone would expect from me. I should just go for it. And then blog about what it means. That song. Yeah, I want to do that.
Okay. Thank you to everyone who has read this far. Comments (good, bad, or ugly) are welcome. No damn time for therapy ;)
