All of my life, and even before I was born, I've been a somewhat fucked up person. Could be partially my fault. Maybe I was an asshole in another plane of existence, and karma finally caught up with me. Or it could just be the ways things are. No big deal. Lessons learned. And I'm doing mostly okay right now.
I know the past year has been leading up to something awesome for me. I've had this heartfelt desire to reinvent myself. And I've worked through a million emotional hang-ups in a relatively short period of time.
I'm not there yet. I don't need to be. Where I am is here. And I have successfully found a place to focus.
I knew I wanted to move away from Early Childhood Education, for my own reasons. I've been thinking about helping older people. I've considered becoming a nutritionist, getting involved in women's issues, life coaching, etc. Doing something artistic. Photography... Still not sure...
But there already are plenty of people who kick ass at all of those things. And good for them. I'm grateful for wonderful people who care enough to want to help others. I'm sure I could join them, but I know myself, and I wouldn't really fit in.
I'm immature. I'm a dreamer. Life has kicked the shit out of me, and I still haven't fully healed.
I lived a full adult life from age 10 to age 18. Long, long story. But I will get to it, promise.
Even before that time, I was a broken child. Physically broken. Born with a tumor, followed by surgeries and scars and years of illness. My brother was told, "Muffy won't be around for very long. She's sick, and she'll probably die before she turns ten." My grandfather nicknamed me "Muffin" because I was pale white as a baby, and I had bright blue eyes. Not the most cheerful of nicknames.
I grew up too fast, got married young, and by the time I finished college, I just wanted to run away. So I did.
I became an Early Childhood teacher, because I thought I had learned everything important in life by age 10. That's the year my grandmother died. I know things would have been different had she still been alive when I was a teenager. Luckily, I did have others who helped me survive back then. And I owe my life to them.
But what about the kids who aren't so lucky? Who do they have? Youtubers, pop culture icons, and "friends" on social media?
Granted, there are tons of awesome people on youtube. And if you need someone to talk to, it's easy to search for great online communities. But I know I can add something that might not exist yet.
It helps that I've kind of (but not totally) sucked at life for the past (mumble, mumble) years. ha ha
Yes, I was a great teacher. I loved my students. But I never stayed anywhere long enough to leave a huge impact on the community. I'm a feather in the wind. I'm the emotional warrior. I'm a freaking nerd online, and I should own that. I'm good at it. I can connect with people. Even those who haven't met me in person.
I've always been interested in learning more about adolescent development and the issues today's teenagers face. I've been watching and listening. I'm not sure why I haven't stepped in to do something yet, but it's probably because I needed to learn more about myself first.
I'm going to spend a lot of time researching teen help websites and forums. I also want to brainstorm ideas with my friends. Lots of paths to explore. Not exactly sure how everything will develop... But I'm excited. I thought I'd quickly write this and post it tonight. Fresh in my mind.
