Let Go

Okay.  I'm going to make you some tea.  And we're gonna be friends.  From now on.

We have seven and a half days left of this month, and what we need to do is use them as practice.  It's time to learn how to be alone.  But not really alone.

Your friends have been so awesome lately.  One just called to check in on you, just now, as you were sitting down to write this.  And the others have been offering love and support and advice.  Everything is okay.  I know you want someone else to tell you that one day, but for now, you can be that someone for yourself.

Everything is okay.

You're feeling a little sad, but also excited and optimisitic.  Because things will get better.  They already are better.  Seeing and feeling the truth full force sucks sometimes, but ultimately it's going to move you forward.

And so what if this is fucking cheesy?  You're writing it just to get it out there.  Because you don't need to get all hormonal once a month to vent in blog form.  You can also be a dork and talk to yourself.  And drink your tea.  It's getting cold.

If you piss away the entire weekend talking to yourself, then that's fine.  You're pretty cool.  We can talk, and I promise to chill out a little.  Maybe you're not that annoying.  Or pathetic.  You're real, and some people don't mind that.  The people who love you love how real you are.  So focus on them.

And, speaking of real, why don't you work on taking that to the next level?  You're still holding back.  Still worrying, way too much, about what others think.  Stop.  It's wasting your time.  And theirs.  If they don't want to see who you really are, then they don't have to look.  Or listen.  Or feel.  Because you know a few of them are building those walls again.

Let go.  It's time.

Whatever's meant for you...  It's out there somewhere.  You're not going to find it by analyzing every stupid thing you've said or done.  Worrying definitely won't help.  Just relax.  Let go.  Move on.

I know this is hard for you because you experience emotion, love and loss, so intensely.  But you really are doing okay.  Better than okay.  You're kicking ass.  You're strong.  Smart.  Motivated.  Ready to go.  So go.  Anywhere the wind takes you.  And you will be fine.

Sorting through the Chaos

Still waiting.  Ryan hasn't found out about first shift yet.  I'm still stressed and lonely.  Busy with unhealthy distractions.  There are plenty of useful things I could be doing right now, but I feel like being a little bitch and whining "I don't wanna..."  The limbo should end at some point, but what if I have to wait another week or two before I know my work availability?  Being patient sucks.  My life kind of sucks.  I need sleep, and I act like a 3 year‐old without a nap when I'm overtired.

My "clean slate" for dating in May (and not acting like an idiot) lasted two and a half days.  Then I went full idiot.  And beyond, about a week later...  Yeah, yeah, I'm learning.  I can try again after I go back to work.  But for now I'm sad and lonely, and I wish I could get my shit together.

I question my emotional maturity.  I question everyone's, actually.  As humans we tend to regress in times of stress and uncertainty.  I haven't been acting very stable lately, but I hope all of my mistakes will eventually lead to progress.

So, for anyone who specifically knows what I mean by "mistakes," then...  I'm sorry.  I'm not perfect.  I fuck up.  I get scared.  Jealous.  Impatient.  Worried.  And you know what?  I always will.  I'm never going to be perfect, and neither will you.

I want to own the lovely mess that is my life.  I'm learning how to gracefully sort through the chaos.  I haven't exactly figured out where I stand on valuing my own self‐worth, but I know this is something I need to do.

Dating for the first time in 7 years obviously brings that straight to the forefront.  And using the word "straight" just makes me laugh.  Now that my ex has a boyfriend, I look back at the past 7 years quite differently.  It's definitely a mindfuck to go that long knowing your partner isn't attracted to you.  I internalized a lot that had very little to do with me.  And undoing the damage will take time.

The first guy I dated helped with that.  He was 100 percent honest with me, and still is.  I haven't seen him in a month, but he's around.  It's nice that I started out with two weeks of calm.  I mean, of course I fucked that up a little, but I don't think I behaved too badly.  I did okay, considering I have to relearn pretty much everything.

Then I got involved with two scary/creepy/possibly violent guys.  Eva wants me to buy pepper spray.  Eva's right.  I will, if I ever decide to leave the house again to meet a guy I don't already know.  I should probably only leave the house for work, and to hang out with female friends.  The Universe has me in time out, I think.

I've been talking to other people.  I tried to be friends with a guy who's fun to observe and spend time with, but he's pissed at me right now.  (Because I screwed up the friends part).  I just need to focus on getting out of here and moving on.

Work will mean money for a new apartment.  And a new apartment will mean sanity.  Well, some sanity.  I promise to never be completely sane.  That would just be silly.

Okay.  Solutions...  What can I do to not suck at life for the next few weeks?

I had a list the other day:

Milk
Bread
Divorce

For reals.  lol

I think we're good on milk and bread at the moment, so I should work on that divorce stuff.  Lots of resources online.  I just have to figure out a custody agreement after I get my own place.  We need to know who will be available to take care of Valen, depending on work and summer schedules...

And here I am, writing.  Mostly bullshit, but I'll post it anyway.

I have some ideas for sketches I want to work on.  After I finish losing weight (again.  And I will do it!!)  After that...  I want to get half‐sleeve tattoos on both arms.  And I want to design them myself.  I figure that's about a year out, but it might be fun to get started now.

I've been doing okay with exercise.  Need to do better with nutrition again.  The whole "get sad, eat too much" cycle needs to stop.  It's probably healthier than drugs or alcohol.  Cheaper than shopping.  But it's still a vice, and I need to find better ways to deal with feeling shitty.

What else?  Well, talking with friends will help.  Everyone seems to be busy at the moment, so that's why I'm here talking to myself.  But whenever people become unbusy, then maybe they'll be able to help me organize some of these thoughts.

Until then, I guess I'll continue writing and see how I do keeping myself company.  I wish I wasn't so damn annoying, though.  Gotta work on that ;)