Sorting through the Chaos

Still waiting.  Ryan hasn't found out about first shift yet.  I'm still stressed and lonely.  Busy with unhealthy distractions.  There are plenty of useful things I could be doing right now, but I feel like being a little bitch and whining "I don't wanna..."  The limbo should end at some point, but what if I have to wait another week or two before I know my work availability?  Being patient sucks.  My life kind of sucks.  I need sleep, and I act like a 3 year‐old without a nap when I'm overtired.

My "clean slate" for dating in May (and not acting like an idiot) lasted two and a half days.  Then I went full idiot.  And beyond, about a week later...  Yeah, yeah, I'm learning.  I can try again after I go back to work.  But for now I'm sad and lonely, and I wish I could get my shit together.

I question my emotional maturity.  I question everyone's, actually.  As humans we tend to regress in times of stress and uncertainty.  I haven't been acting very stable lately, but I hope all of my mistakes will eventually lead to progress.

So, for anyone who specifically knows what I mean by "mistakes," then...  I'm sorry.  I'm not perfect.  I fuck up.  I get scared.  Jealous.  Impatient.  Worried.  And you know what?  I always will.  I'm never going to be perfect, and neither will you.

I want to own the lovely mess that is my life.  I'm learning how to gracefully sort through the chaos.  I haven't exactly figured out where I stand on valuing my own self‐worth, but I know this is something I need to do.

Dating for the first time in 7 years obviously brings that straight to the forefront.  And using the word "straight" just makes me laugh.  Now that my ex has a boyfriend, I look back at the past 7 years quite differently.  It's definitely a mindfuck to go that long knowing your partner isn't attracted to you.  I internalized a lot that had very little to do with me.  And undoing the damage will take time.

The first guy I dated helped with that.  He was 100 percent honest with me, and still is.  I haven't seen him in a month, but he's around.  It's nice that I started out with two weeks of calm.  I mean, of course I fucked that up a little, but I don't think I behaved too badly.  I did okay, considering I have to relearn pretty much everything.

Then I got involved with two scary/creepy/possibly violent guys.  Eva wants me to buy pepper spray.  Eva's right.  I will, if I ever decide to leave the house again to meet a guy I don't already know.  I should probably only leave the house for work, and to hang out with female friends.  The Universe has me in time out, I think.

I've been talking to other people.  I tried to be friends with a guy who's fun to observe and spend time with, but he's pissed at me right now.  (Because I screwed up the friends part).  I just need to focus on getting out of here and moving on.

Work will mean money for a new apartment.  And a new apartment will mean sanity.  Well, some sanity.  I promise to never be completely sane.  That would just be silly.

Okay.  Solutions...  What can I do to not suck at life for the next few weeks?

I had a list the other day:

Milk
Bread
Divorce

For reals.  lol

I think we're good on milk and bread at the moment, so I should work on that divorce stuff.  Lots of resources online.  I just have to figure out a custody agreement after I get my own place.  We need to know who will be available to take care of Valen, depending on work and summer schedules...

And here I am, writing.  Mostly bullshit, but I'll post it anyway.

I have some ideas for sketches I want to work on.  After I finish losing weight (again.  And I will do it!!)  After that...  I want to get half‐sleeve tattoos on both arms.  And I want to design them myself.  I figure that's about a year out, but it might be fun to get started now.

I've been doing okay with exercise.  Need to do better with nutrition again.  The whole "get sad, eat too much" cycle needs to stop.  It's probably healthier than drugs or alcohol.  Cheaper than shopping.  But it's still a vice, and I need to find better ways to deal with feeling shitty.

What else?  Well, talking with friends will help.  Everyone seems to be busy at the moment, so that's why I'm here talking to myself.  But whenever people become unbusy, then maybe they'll be able to help me organize some of these thoughts.

Until then, I guess I'll continue writing and see how I do keeping myself company.  I wish I wasn't so damn annoying, though.  Gotta work on that ;)