I am grateful for unique, charismatic people who truly know how to live. Beautiful, creative, introspective souls. Actively present in the moment. They choose to put love into seemingly simple tasks. They reach out to others, listen, and offer support. Attention, affection. These friends don't judge, or push, or expect me to be anyone other than who I am right now. They can see who I want to be. And they know I am trying.
I'm grateful for each magical experience we have shared. I cherish the memories, and I look forward to creating more.
I have met so many wonderful people who make my life more complete. Significant. Our interactions are immensely meaningful. We learn from each other. Connect. And we feel less alone.
As I grow more confident, I exclusively seek out friends like this. People who deserve the time I happily devote to them. Because that's what I do. I love. And I give all of myself freely. I'm grateful for those who recognize and appreciate my sincerity.
And finally, I'm especially thankful for the specific moments, when time briefly pauses, and I know I am loved.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Positivity
Just a quick life lesson for this month. But it's a big one.
Positivity.
Life flows much more smoothly when you surround yourself with optimistic people. They offer support and hope. They lift you up each time life kicks you down. No matter how many times life is screaming, "Stay down, bitch!" You're stubborn as fuck, and you get up again.
I have somehow made it through the insanity of the past few months. August will be better. I mean, really. This has to be the end, right? Realism is fine. Yeah, life is life. But c'mon. I would love for all of these storms to be over for as long as possible.
I'm tired. My thoughts are scattered. But I know I want to start out the new month tomorrow with happy sunshine, coffee, and my dorky morning emails (to the dorks who love my morning emails. Love you! ha ha)
To everyone who has offered support during my son's illness: Thank you! So much! Your positivity and prayers helped us through a very scary time. Hopefully his right eye will remain healthy, and the mysterious virus/disease will never attack his body again.
We're going to try to get back to a normal routine starting tomorrow. We have to make up for a lost summer. And then get ready for a new school year. And all of Mommy's lists and chores and bills and grown‐up stuff.
I'm going to remain positive while I work my ass off to improve my son's life (and my life). I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. And so is my son. Nothing can bring him down. Valen is healthy, happy, and completely back to normal. He's charismatic, smart, funny, crazy (like his mom), and absolutely perfect. I will never take his health for granted again. He will be fine with vision in only one eye. Nothing's gonna stop that kid from taking over the world. And nothing's gonna stop either of us from living healthy, happy lives. We'll just keep pushing forward, learning, growing, and staying strong.
Positivity.
Life flows much more smoothly when you surround yourself with optimistic people. They offer support and hope. They lift you up each time life kicks you down. No matter how many times life is screaming, "Stay down, bitch!" You're stubborn as fuck, and you get up again.
I have somehow made it through the insanity of the past few months. August will be better. I mean, really. This has to be the end, right? Realism is fine. Yeah, life is life. But c'mon. I would love for all of these storms to be over for as long as possible.
I'm tired. My thoughts are scattered. But I know I want to start out the new month tomorrow with happy sunshine, coffee, and my dorky morning emails (to the dorks who love my morning emails. Love you! ha ha)
To everyone who has offered support during my son's illness: Thank you! So much! Your positivity and prayers helped us through a very scary time. Hopefully his right eye will remain healthy, and the mysterious virus/disease will never attack his body again.
We're going to try to get back to a normal routine starting tomorrow. We have to make up for a lost summer. And then get ready for a new school year. And all of Mommy's lists and chores and bills and grown‐up stuff.
I'm going to remain positive while I work my ass off to improve my son's life (and my life). I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. And so is my son. Nothing can bring him down. Valen is healthy, happy, and completely back to normal. He's charismatic, smart, funny, crazy (like his mom), and absolutely perfect. I will never take his health for granted again. He will be fine with vision in only one eye. Nothing's gonna stop that kid from taking over the world. And nothing's gonna stop either of us from living healthy, happy lives. We'll just keep pushing forward, learning, growing, and staying strong.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Limbo Is Over
Sometimes life pushes you beyond what you think you can handle. You keep getting tested, and it doesn't really matter if you pass or fail. The next scenario has already begun, and all you can do is attempt to figure out each new challenge.
Life is being a complete dick to me right now, but I will make it through this.
My dad is gone. He died a month ago today. I wish I had more freedom to grieve, but the chaos won't give me one quiet minute.
I'm trying to take care of my son and his dad, but I'm running out of emotional resources to share with everyone. My son has fallen into a state of depression. His dad was already there. Has been there. Depressed. Attempting to cope with coming out as a transgender woman. I'm not in the best emotional state myself, so I'm doing a shitty job of being supportive.
My son also has to repeat Kindergarten next year, which ultimately will be a good thing. But for now it's just part of the chaos and confusion. There's no stability in my house at the moment, and I know I have to change this immediately.
Fuck feeling lonely, or unwanted, or unloved. Fuck all the people who are making me feel this way right now. I have good people around me. I need to focus on them.
I think I've pretty much worked through how I've felt about wasting 7 years in a relationship with my son's dad, who wants to be a woman now. That's Ryan's issue. Not mine. I have to let go of the past. I'm fine. Ryan will be fine. And we both have to do everything we can to make sure Valen is fine.
It sucks that I didn't get to talk to my dad much in the last few months he was alive. But at least our final conversation was a good one. And it's not like his death was unexpected. But I never could have imagined feeling the way I do right now.
Forgiveness came fast and hard, and not just for what my dad has done. I find myself welcoming even the faintest hint of apology from those who choose to reach out to me now. I'm letting go of judgement. People can live their lives as they see fit. I will only intervene if they ask. I can accept everyone exactly as they are in this very moment.
It's time for me to move forward with my life. Limbo is over. I'm pretty sure limbo isn't this battleground of emotions that I've been dealing with lately. So hey, I guess I made it through that part. Just didn't realize this until I stopped and looked around.
In all the nothing that I've accomplished "on paper" lately, I've actually done some pretty amazing invisible things. I have connected with people on ethereal, spiritual levels. I've found a support group of friends who will tear the throats out of anyone who tries to hurt me. (Seriously, watch out! They're just as intense as I can be at times).
So, Dad, don't worry. I'll be okay. I've got this. Somehow. I have a plan. And I'll make things better. I'm setting up appointments for Valen today. He'll start therapy, and we'll take him to the doctor to make sure nothing's physically wrong. I'm going to look for a therapist for myself, too, as soon as Valen's appointments are made. I have some ideas of what I'd like to do for work now. And you know I'll kick ass with my resumes and interviews. I always do. Then I'll find my own apartment, and I'll start a brand new chapter in my life. Clean pages. A fresh outlook. I'm strong enough to do this. I have support. And I know I am loved.
Life is being a complete dick to me right now, but I will make it through this.
My dad is gone. He died a month ago today. I wish I had more freedom to grieve, but the chaos won't give me one quiet minute.
I'm trying to take care of my son and his dad, but I'm running out of emotional resources to share with everyone. My son has fallen into a state of depression. His dad was already there. Has been there. Depressed. Attempting to cope with coming out as a transgender woman. I'm not in the best emotional state myself, so I'm doing a shitty job of being supportive.
My son also has to repeat Kindergarten next year, which ultimately will be a good thing. But for now it's just part of the chaos and confusion. There's no stability in my house at the moment, and I know I have to change this immediately.
Fuck feeling lonely, or unwanted, or unloved. Fuck all the people who are making me feel this way right now. I have good people around me. I need to focus on them.
I think I've pretty much worked through how I've felt about wasting 7 years in a relationship with my son's dad, who wants to be a woman now. That's Ryan's issue. Not mine. I have to let go of the past. I'm fine. Ryan will be fine. And we both have to do everything we can to make sure Valen is fine.
It sucks that I didn't get to talk to my dad much in the last few months he was alive. But at least our final conversation was a good one. And it's not like his death was unexpected. But I never could have imagined feeling the way I do right now.
Forgiveness came fast and hard, and not just for what my dad has done. I find myself welcoming even the faintest hint of apology from those who choose to reach out to me now. I'm letting go of judgement. People can live their lives as they see fit. I will only intervene if they ask. I can accept everyone exactly as they are in this very moment.
It's time for me to move forward with my life. Limbo is over. I'm pretty sure limbo isn't this battleground of emotions that I've been dealing with lately. So hey, I guess I made it through that part. Just didn't realize this until I stopped and looked around.
In all the nothing that I've accomplished "on paper" lately, I've actually done some pretty amazing invisible things. I have connected with people on ethereal, spiritual levels. I've found a support group of friends who will tear the throats out of anyone who tries to hurt me. (Seriously, watch out! They're just as intense as I can be at times).
So, Dad, don't worry. I'll be okay. I've got this. Somehow. I have a plan. And I'll make things better. I'm setting up appointments for Valen today. He'll start therapy, and we'll take him to the doctor to make sure nothing's physically wrong. I'm going to look for a therapist for myself, too, as soon as Valen's appointments are made. I have some ideas of what I'd like to do for work now. And you know I'll kick ass with my resumes and interviews. I always do. Then I'll find my own apartment, and I'll start a brand new chapter in my life. Clean pages. A fresh outlook. I'm strong enough to do this. I have support. And I know I am loved.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Let Go
Okay. I'm going to make you some tea. And we're gonna be friends. From now on.
We have seven and a half days left of this month, and what we need to do is use them as practice. It's time to learn how to be alone. But not really alone.
Your friends have been so awesome lately. One just called to check in on you, just now, as you were sitting down to write this. And the others have been offering love and support and advice. Everything is okay. I know you want someone else to tell you that one day, but for now, you can be that someone for yourself.
Everything is okay.
You're feeling a little sad, but also excited and optimisitic. Because things will get better. They already are better. Seeing and feeling the truth full force sucks sometimes, but ultimately it's going to move you forward.
And so what if this is fucking cheesy? You're writing it just to get it out there. Because you don't need to get all hormonal once a month to vent in blog form. You can also be a dork and talk to yourself. And drink your tea. It's getting cold.
If you piss away the entire weekend talking to yourself, then that's fine. You're pretty cool. We can talk, and I promise to chill out a little. Maybe you're not that annoying. Or pathetic. You're real, and some people don't mind that. The people who love you love how real you are. So focus on them.
And, speaking of real, why don't you work on taking that to the next level? You're still holding back. Still worrying, way too much, about what others think. Stop. It's wasting your time. And theirs. If they don't want to see who you really are, then they don't have to look. Or listen. Or feel. Because you know a few of them are building those walls again.
Let go. It's time.
Whatever's meant for you... It's out there somewhere. You're not going to find it by analyzing every stupid thing you've said or done. Worrying definitely won't help. Just relax. Let go. Move on.
I know this is hard for you because you experience emotion, love and loss, so intensely. But you really are doing okay. Better than okay. You're kicking ass. You're strong. Smart. Motivated. Ready to go. So go. Anywhere the wind takes you. And you will be fine.
We have seven and a half days left of this month, and what we need to do is use them as practice. It's time to learn how to be alone. But not really alone.
Your friends have been so awesome lately. One just called to check in on you, just now, as you were sitting down to write this. And the others have been offering love and support and advice. Everything is okay. I know you want someone else to tell you that one day, but for now, you can be that someone for yourself.
Everything is okay.
You're feeling a little sad, but also excited and optimisitic. Because things will get better. They already are better. Seeing and feeling the truth full force sucks sometimes, but ultimately it's going to move you forward.
And so what if this is fucking cheesy? You're writing it just to get it out there. Because you don't need to get all hormonal once a month to vent in blog form. You can also be a dork and talk to yourself. And drink your tea. It's getting cold.
If you piss away the entire weekend talking to yourself, then that's fine. You're pretty cool. We can talk, and I promise to chill out a little. Maybe you're not that annoying. Or pathetic. You're real, and some people don't mind that. The people who love you love how real you are. So focus on them.
And, speaking of real, why don't you work on taking that to the next level? You're still holding back. Still worrying, way too much, about what others think. Stop. It's wasting your time. And theirs. If they don't want to see who you really are, then they don't have to look. Or listen. Or feel. Because you know a few of them are building those walls again.
Let go. It's time.
Whatever's meant for you... It's out there somewhere. You're not going to find it by analyzing every stupid thing you've said or done. Worrying definitely won't help. Just relax. Let go. Move on.
I know this is hard for you because you experience emotion, love and loss, so intensely. But you really are doing okay. Better than okay. You're kicking ass. You're strong. Smart. Motivated. Ready to go. So go. Anywhere the wind takes you. And you will be fine.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Sorting through the Chaos
Still waiting. Ryan hasn't found out about first shift yet. I'm still stressed and lonely. Busy with unhealthy distractions. There are plenty of useful things I could be doing right now, but I feel like being a little bitch and whining "I don't wanna..." The limbo should end at some point, but what if I have to wait another week or two before I know my work availability? Being patient sucks. My life kind of sucks. I need sleep, and I act like a 3 year‐old without a nap when I'm overtired.
My "clean slate" for dating in May (and not acting like an idiot) lasted two and a half days. Then I went full idiot. And beyond, about a week later... Yeah, yeah, I'm learning. I can try again after I go back to work. But for now I'm sad and lonely, and I wish I could get my shit together.
I question my emotional maturity. I question everyone's, actually. As humans we tend to regress in times of stress and uncertainty. I haven't been acting very stable lately, but I hope all of my mistakes will eventually lead to progress.
So, for anyone who specifically knows what I mean by "mistakes," then... I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I fuck up. I get scared. Jealous. Impatient. Worried. And you know what? I always will. I'm never going to be perfect, and neither will you.
I want to own the lovely mess that is my life. I'm learning how to gracefully sort through the chaos. I haven't exactly figured out where I stand on valuing my own self‐worth, but I know this is something I need to do.
Dating for the first time in 7 years obviously brings that straight to the forefront. And using the word "straight" just makes me laugh. Now that my ex has a boyfriend, I look back at the past 7 years quite differently. It's definitely a mindfuck to go that long knowing your partner isn't attracted to you. I internalized a lot that had very little to do with me. And undoing the damage will take time.
The first guy I dated helped with that. He was 100 percent honest with me, and still is. I haven't seen him in a month, but he's around. It's nice that I started out with two weeks of calm. I mean, of course I fucked that up a little, but I don't think I behaved too badly. I did okay, considering I have to relearn pretty much everything.
Then I got involved with two scary/creepy/possibly violent guys. Eva wants me to buy pepper spray. Eva's right. I will, if I ever decide to leave the house again to meet a guy I don't already know. I should probably only leave the house for work, and to hang out with female friends. The Universe has me in time out, I think.
I've been talking to other people. I tried to be friends with a guy who's fun to observe and spend time with, but he's pissed at me right now. (Because I screwed up the friends part). I just need to focus on getting out of here and moving on.
Work will mean money for a new apartment. And a new apartment will mean sanity. Well, some sanity. I promise to never be completely sane. That would just be silly.
Okay. Solutions... What can I do to not suck at life for the next few weeks?
I had a list the other day:
Milk
Bread
Divorce
For reals. lol
I think we're good on milk and bread at the moment, so I should work on that divorce stuff. Lots of resources online. I just have to figure out a custody agreement after I get my own place. We need to know who will be available to take care of Valen, depending on work and summer schedules...
And here I am, writing. Mostly bullshit, but I'll post it anyway.
I have some ideas for sketches I want to work on. After I finish losing weight (again. And I will do it!!) After that... I want to get half‐sleeve tattoos on both arms. And I want to design them myself. I figure that's about a year out, but it might be fun to get started now.
I've been doing okay with exercise. Need to do better with nutrition again. The whole "get sad, eat too much" cycle needs to stop. It's probably healthier than drugs or alcohol. Cheaper than shopping. But it's still a vice, and I need to find better ways to deal with feeling shitty.
What else? Well, talking with friends will help. Everyone seems to be busy at the moment, so that's why I'm here talking to myself. But whenever people become unbusy, then maybe they'll be able to help me organize some of these thoughts.
Until then, I guess I'll continue writing and see how I do keeping myself company. I wish I wasn't so damn annoying, though. Gotta work on that ;)
My "clean slate" for dating in May (and not acting like an idiot) lasted two and a half days. Then I went full idiot. And beyond, about a week later... Yeah, yeah, I'm learning. I can try again after I go back to work. But for now I'm sad and lonely, and I wish I could get my shit together.
I question my emotional maturity. I question everyone's, actually. As humans we tend to regress in times of stress and uncertainty. I haven't been acting very stable lately, but I hope all of my mistakes will eventually lead to progress.
So, for anyone who specifically knows what I mean by "mistakes," then... I'm sorry. I'm not perfect. I fuck up. I get scared. Jealous. Impatient. Worried. And you know what? I always will. I'm never going to be perfect, and neither will you.
I want to own the lovely mess that is my life. I'm learning how to gracefully sort through the chaos. I haven't exactly figured out where I stand on valuing my own self‐worth, but I know this is something I need to do.
Dating for the first time in 7 years obviously brings that straight to the forefront. And using the word "straight" just makes me laugh. Now that my ex has a boyfriend, I look back at the past 7 years quite differently. It's definitely a mindfuck to go that long knowing your partner isn't attracted to you. I internalized a lot that had very little to do with me. And undoing the damage will take time.
The first guy I dated helped with that. He was 100 percent honest with me, and still is. I haven't seen him in a month, but he's around. It's nice that I started out with two weeks of calm. I mean, of course I fucked that up a little, but I don't think I behaved too badly. I did okay, considering I have to relearn pretty much everything.
Then I got involved with two scary/creepy/possibly violent guys. Eva wants me to buy pepper spray. Eva's right. I will, if I ever decide to leave the house again to meet a guy I don't already know. I should probably only leave the house for work, and to hang out with female friends. The Universe has me in time out, I think.
I've been talking to other people. I tried to be friends with a guy who's fun to observe and spend time with, but he's pissed at me right now. (Because I screwed up the friends part). I just need to focus on getting out of here and moving on.
Work will mean money for a new apartment. And a new apartment will mean sanity. Well, some sanity. I promise to never be completely sane. That would just be silly.
Okay. Solutions... What can I do to not suck at life for the next few weeks?
I had a list the other day:
Milk
Bread
Divorce
For reals. lol
I think we're good on milk and bread at the moment, so I should work on that divorce stuff. Lots of resources online. I just have to figure out a custody agreement after I get my own place. We need to know who will be available to take care of Valen, depending on work and summer schedules...
And here I am, writing. Mostly bullshit, but I'll post it anyway.
I have some ideas for sketches I want to work on. After I finish losing weight (again. And I will do it!!) After that... I want to get half‐sleeve tattoos on both arms. And I want to design them myself. I figure that's about a year out, but it might be fun to get started now.
I've been doing okay with exercise. Need to do better with nutrition again. The whole "get sad, eat too much" cycle needs to stop. It's probably healthier than drugs or alcohol. Cheaper than shopping. But it's still a vice, and I need to find better ways to deal with feeling shitty.
What else? Well, talking with friends will help. Everyone seems to be busy at the moment, so that's why I'm here talking to myself. But whenever people become unbusy, then maybe they'll be able to help me organize some of these thoughts.
Until then, I guess I'll continue writing and see how I do keeping myself company. I wish I wasn't so damn annoying, though. Gotta work on that ;)
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
April
It has been over a month since I last posted anything, and nope, I'm nowhere near feeling focused yet. I just reread last month's blog, and it seems even less focused than what I had written earlier this year. Even though the word "focus" is in the damn title. Oh well. Maybe someday.
I've been observing people for the past few weeks. Not coming to any conclusions about anything. Just watching. Listening. Interacting. Trying not to think too much. Well, yeah, of course I have been thinking too much. But I've been trying not to. See? It's progress. I think. Or... I don't think ;)
Found some big love with my girls. The female friends I never really had until now. I'm grateful to feel close to so many people who care about me. I love feeling safe and comfortable with them. I love being myself, being a smartass, saying things I probably shouldn't say, and they're still always here for me.
As for guys, I'm just being an idiot, like usual. But I think I'm getting a little better. Maybe calming down some. I don't know. I say, clean slate in May and see how things go.
Ryan still doesn't know what hours he'll be working this summer. I'm still waiting to start looking for jobs. I want to run out and grab one, but I can't yet. Trying not to go fucking insane. I kind of need to know my availabity first, and find out who'll be taking care of my kid, and then I can go for whatever I find. And get my own place. And get OUT. And then... Probably feel more sane? I hope.
So Ryan's seeing this really cool guy now. And people are finally starting to believe me that YES, I have actually been single for almost 2 years. And YES, that's why I've been a little bitchy for 7 years. ha ha
We also finished off everything I wanted to do to improve our financial crap. Car loan and credit card, done and done. And NOW I can file those divorce papers. Yay! I have things organized. Just have to wait for HIS FUCKING JOB before I can figure out our custody agreement. (You hear that, Universe? I did my part. Please do yours. Thanks.)
So yeah. I'm feeling good. April was an awesome month. I ran around in circles a little, but I came out ahead in the end. Now there's so much nothing I want to do. I better get started.
I've been observing people for the past few weeks. Not coming to any conclusions about anything. Just watching. Listening. Interacting. Trying not to think too much. Well, yeah, of course I have been thinking too much. But I've been trying not to. See? It's progress. I think. Or... I don't think ;)
Found some big love with my girls. The female friends I never really had until now. I'm grateful to feel close to so many people who care about me. I love feeling safe and comfortable with them. I love being myself, being a smartass, saying things I probably shouldn't say, and they're still always here for me.
As for guys, I'm just being an idiot, like usual. But I think I'm getting a little better. Maybe calming down some. I don't know. I say, clean slate in May and see how things go.
Ryan still doesn't know what hours he'll be working this summer. I'm still waiting to start looking for jobs. I want to run out and grab one, but I can't yet. Trying not to go fucking insane. I kind of need to know my availabity first, and find out who'll be taking care of my kid, and then I can go for whatever I find. And get my own place. And get OUT. And then... Probably feel more sane? I hope.
So Ryan's seeing this really cool guy now. And people are finally starting to believe me that YES, I have actually been single for almost 2 years. And YES, that's why I've been a little bitchy for 7 years. ha ha
We also finished off everything I wanted to do to improve our financial crap. Car loan and credit card, done and done. And NOW I can file those divorce papers. Yay! I have things organized. Just have to wait for HIS FUCKING JOB before I can figure out our custody agreement. (You hear that, Universe? I did my part. Please do yours. Thanks.)
So yeah. I'm feeling good. April was an awesome month. I ran around in circles a little, but I came out ahead in the end. Now there's so much nothing I want to do. I better get started.
Monday, March 24, 2014
A Place to Focus
All of my life, and even before I was born, I've been a somewhat fucked up person. Could be partially my fault. Maybe I was an asshole in another plane of existence, and karma finally caught up with me. Or it could just be the ways things are. No big deal. Lessons learned. And I'm doing mostly okay right now.
I know the past year has been leading up to something awesome for me. I've had this heartfelt desire to reinvent myself. And I've worked through a million emotional hang-ups in a relatively short period of time.
I'm not there yet. I don't need to be. Where I am is here. And I have successfully found a place to focus.
I knew I wanted to move away from Early Childhood Education, for my own reasons. I've been thinking about helping older people. I've considered becoming a nutritionist, getting involved in women's issues, life coaching, etc. Doing something artistic. Photography... Still not sure...
But there already are plenty of people who kick ass at all of those things. And good for them. I'm grateful for wonderful people who care enough to want to help others. I'm sure I could join them, but I know myself, and I wouldn't really fit in.
I'm immature. I'm a dreamer. Life has kicked the shit out of me, and I still haven't fully healed.
I lived a full adult life from age 10 to age 18. Long, long story. But I will get to it, promise.
Even before that time, I was a broken child. Physically broken. Born with a tumor, followed by surgeries and scars and years of illness. My brother was told, "Muffy won't be around for very long. She's sick, and she'll probably die before she turns ten." My grandfather nicknamed me "Muffin" because I was pale white as a baby, and I had bright blue eyes. Not the most cheerful of nicknames.
I grew up too fast, got married young, and by the time I finished college, I just wanted to run away. So I did.
I became an Early Childhood teacher, because I thought I had learned everything important in life by age 10. That's the year my grandmother died. I know things would have been different had she still been alive when I was a teenager. Luckily, I did have others who helped me survive back then. And I owe my life to them.
But what about the kids who aren't so lucky? Who do they have? Youtubers, pop culture icons, and "friends" on social media?
Granted, there are tons of awesome people on youtube. And if you need someone to talk to, it's easy to search for great online communities. But I know I can add something that might not exist yet.
It helps that I've kind of (but not totally) sucked at life for the past (mumble, mumble) years. ha ha
Yes, I was a great teacher. I loved my students. But I never stayed anywhere long enough to leave a huge impact on the community. I'm a feather in the wind. I'm the emotional warrior. I'm a freaking nerd online, and I should own that. I'm good at it. I can connect with people. Even those who haven't met me in person.
I've always been interested in learning more about adolescent development and the issues today's teenagers face. I've been watching and listening. I'm not sure why I haven't stepped in to do something yet, but it's probably because I needed to learn more about myself first.
I'm going to spend a lot of time researching teen help websites and forums. I also want to brainstorm ideas with my friends. Lots of paths to explore. Not exactly sure how everything will develop... But I'm excited. I thought I'd quickly write this and post it tonight. Fresh in my mind.
I know the past year has been leading up to something awesome for me. I've had this heartfelt desire to reinvent myself. And I've worked through a million emotional hang-ups in a relatively short period of time.
I'm not there yet. I don't need to be. Where I am is here. And I have successfully found a place to focus.
I knew I wanted to move away from Early Childhood Education, for my own reasons. I've been thinking about helping older people. I've considered becoming a nutritionist, getting involved in women's issues, life coaching, etc. Doing something artistic. Photography... Still not sure...
But there already are plenty of people who kick ass at all of those things. And good for them. I'm grateful for wonderful people who care enough to want to help others. I'm sure I could join them, but I know myself, and I wouldn't really fit in.
I'm immature. I'm a dreamer. Life has kicked the shit out of me, and I still haven't fully healed.
I lived a full adult life from age 10 to age 18. Long, long story. But I will get to it, promise.
Even before that time, I was a broken child. Physically broken. Born with a tumor, followed by surgeries and scars and years of illness. My brother was told, "Muffy won't be around for very long. She's sick, and she'll probably die before she turns ten." My grandfather nicknamed me "Muffin" because I was pale white as a baby, and I had bright blue eyes. Not the most cheerful of nicknames.
I grew up too fast, got married young, and by the time I finished college, I just wanted to run away. So I did.
I became an Early Childhood teacher, because I thought I had learned everything important in life by age 10. That's the year my grandmother died. I know things would have been different had she still been alive when I was a teenager. Luckily, I did have others who helped me survive back then. And I owe my life to them.
But what about the kids who aren't so lucky? Who do they have? Youtubers, pop culture icons, and "friends" on social media?
Granted, there are tons of awesome people on youtube. And if you need someone to talk to, it's easy to search for great online communities. But I know I can add something that might not exist yet.
It helps that I've kind of (but not totally) sucked at life for the past (mumble, mumble) years. ha ha
Yes, I was a great teacher. I loved my students. But I never stayed anywhere long enough to leave a huge impact on the community. I'm a feather in the wind. I'm the emotional warrior. I'm a freaking nerd online, and I should own that. I'm good at it. I can connect with people. Even those who haven't met me in person.
I've always been interested in learning more about adolescent development and the issues today's teenagers face. I've been watching and listening. I'm not sure why I haven't stepped in to do something yet, but it's probably because I needed to learn more about myself first.
I'm going to spend a lot of time researching teen help websites and forums. I also want to brainstorm ideas with my friends. Lots of paths to explore. Not exactly sure how everything will develop... But I'm excited. I thought I'd quickly write this and post it tonight. Fresh in my mind.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Life Update
I haven't blogged in a while, because life decided to happen again. (Seems like it does that from time to time). Then I thought, maybe it will be good for me to get some sort of life update in writing. Hey, there's a good title...
(A warning to friends and family who don't know me well: This is going to get fairly detailed. I've been trying to find a way to purge a tiny bit of what's going on inside my head. My goal isn't to blame others. I just want to understand why I'm feeling this way. And yes, I did ask Ryan to read this before I published it. I have not said anything here that we haven't already discussed).
So... Last month Ryan and I were considering moving back to Arizona. We knew we had to wait until things felt right before we made a decision. Ryan had a review coming up at work, and we weren't sure how that would go. Well, it turns out that his job really wants him here. And most likely, the universe thinks we should stay in North Carolina for at least one more year. I might even be okay with staying here indefinitely, as long as I can visit Arizona as often as possible.
Things happen quickly for us. After only a few days of looking, we found a cheaper place to stay (and signed the lease). Officially committing to NOT moving across the country this year! So weird...
Ryan will be able to afford the new place on his own once I find my own apartment. And I'll be happy there while I help him take care of all the details. I will finally have a safe street for my daily walks. And I'll still have my own room and bathroom. (No boys allowed! ha ha) And... I think we're definitely moving in the right direction.
We'll slowly move throughout the month of March. Valen will transfer to a new school in April. We're not happy with his current school, so changing districts was part of the plan.
Valen is doing fine in general. He's healthy, happy, and well-adjusted. His speech is improving, but his current school did drop his speech therapy. We're going to ask the new school to reevaluate him. We also think he would benefit from repeating Kindergarten next year.
The only reason Ryan and I are still living together as roommates is our son, Valen. We know we haven't done the best job staying in one place, and we don't want Valen to feel insecure or stressed by our constant indecision. I'm not going to get my own apartment until things feel 100% stable.
And I suppose I also mean, I want to feel 100% stable. Or, at least in the B minus range. No one's perfect.
I feel like I've given up a part of myself for almost 7 years. Ryan and I met online the summer of 2007. We considered ourselves hiking buddies, but then things did become romantic for a few months. We met in June, found out we were pregnant in July, but honestly, the relationship was over by October. I was teaching at a preschool at the time, and Ryan was still looking for work. Then something happened that broke my trust. There's no need for me to elaborate, but I do think the love was gone after that.
We had the baby, struggled to pay bills, and then my old boss from Arizona asked if I was ready to move back yet. We thought we'd be fine back where we felt at home, but things still seemed off.
Changing jobs again didn't help. Ryan stayed home with Valen while I taught Kindergarten. I felt torn, caring for other children, instead of being home with my own son. It was the only way for us to get by, though. I had helped Ryan get his G.E.D. the year before, but he still didn't have many career options. I was so miserable that I was literally making myself sick. Working, taking care of Valen when I got home, and not taking care of myself. I was gaining weight again, and my kidney disease was getting worse. I finally ended up in the emergency room, running up a ton of medical bills while they ran tests on my kidneys.
By then Ryan and I were trying to make our marriage work. I thought it would be a good idea to get married before accepting a new job in a small town. I thought that's what would be best for Valen. Ryan and I were good friends, and we did feel love for each other. But I wasn't being honest with myself. There was nothing romantic about our relationship. Ryan is a good person, and he did try to do the right thing. He decided to look for a job after I got out of the hospital. Our new plan was for him to build a career while I stayed home with Valen for the first time.
Ryan did his best, but the bad luck he had with jobs over the years was beyond anyone's control. The worst luck was in Scottsdale, AZ. An aircraft detailing company hired him for a full-time position, but then they could only offer him 15 to 20 hours per week. Thankfully, I was working as a nanny at the time. And the family who hired me gave me more hours (and occasional bonuses), because they felt bad for us. It feels pretty shitty being someone's charity case. But I am grateful that they cared enough to help.
Other than being dirt poor, I was actually doing okay in Scottsdale. I was able to lose a lot of weight, walking and hiking almost every day. Ryan and I were getting along. But we knew we had to try again with his career. And here we are now, 3 years later, and we have done just that.
Ryan's doing great. He's kicking ass at his job. He's happy living in North Carolina. Valen's happy. The cats are happy. And I feel like the asshole, being the only one who doesn't know how to maintain happiness.
I've gained back every single pound I lost in Scottsdale. I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I don't know what I want for a career. My family hates me. Ryan's family hates me. I feel like this fat fucking loser. I'm so grateful for the friends who do seem to have respect for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. And other times I know I shouldn't be talking like this. Writing about everyone hating me. It's immature. It's pathetic. It's only validating their twisted, unfair opinions of me. (Fairness, now that's a mature subject! Fuck it. I'm sad, and I feel like a little kid right now).
I'm just so exhausted from holding everything together for so many years. On my own. Any support I've received has come from the few friends who do seem to understand some of what I'm going through. Ryan is my friend, but he has never stood by me, as a husband, or boyfriend. He is trying to be supportive now, but I think that's only because I've spent years teaching him how to offer support.
I'm still crawling out of the hole I dug when I quit teaching Kindergarten. Financially, emotionally... I met with the bank yesterday, and I think I'll have our finances repaired in less than a year. But what about me? In a lot of ways, I'm still broken. At the same time, I know I'm strong. I know I'm not worthless. I know I can figure this out.
That's why I'm writing. Sentence fragments, incorrect grammar... Don't care. I just want this out of my head. I just want to be me. I'm not a teacher. Not anymore. Definitely not a writer, either. Ha! But maybe I will find my niche with something creative.
Ryan wants me to stay with him while I focus on taking care of myself for once. But I'm worried that I'm just using our friendship as a crutch. I don't know...
Valen will start at his new school in April, and I need to be there for him. Then I'll have to figure out summer daycare. I could probably work part-time if Ryan stays on the night shift, but he's hoping a day shift position will be available soon. So many variables... I want the boys to be settled first, before I officially reinvent myself.
I can do some of the work now. Just putting myself out there, listening to feedback, etc. It's scary, but I know it's good for me.
We can start moving our stuff into the new place next week. Then Valen has doctor and dentist appointments. Cats need rabies shots. I have all the forwarding, changing over bills, insurance, etc. crap to do for Ryan's new place. Then Valen's birthday. Party stuff. (Maybe a sleepover with Alayna and Isaac). Meeting with Valen's current teacher. Transferring paperwork to the new school. Visiting Eva. (She's adopting Spirit for us, because we're only allowed one cat at the new place. Thank you, Eva! We're so glad you understand what Spirit means to us). And... Yeah, I almost started car shopping this month, but thankfully the bank wants us to wait until April. The universe does have my back sometimes!
If I find the time to write in between all of this, I think it might help keep me centered. And once it's all done, I will sketch and paint and learn more about photography. And then I'll look for a real job. (Yay...) And. Oh yeah. I think I will let Ryan record me singing for the first time since I was a kid. The song we're planning is sooooooo not what anyone would expect from me. I should just go for it. And then blog about what it means. That song. Yeah, I want to do that.
Okay. Thank you to everyone who has read this far. Comments (good, bad, or ugly) are welcome. No damn time for therapy ;)
(A warning to friends and family who don't know me well: This is going to get fairly detailed. I've been trying to find a way to purge a tiny bit of what's going on inside my head. My goal isn't to blame others. I just want to understand why I'm feeling this way. And yes, I did ask Ryan to read this before I published it. I have not said anything here that we haven't already discussed).
So... Last month Ryan and I were considering moving back to Arizona. We knew we had to wait until things felt right before we made a decision. Ryan had a review coming up at work, and we weren't sure how that would go. Well, it turns out that his job really wants him here. And most likely, the universe thinks we should stay in North Carolina for at least one more year. I might even be okay with staying here indefinitely, as long as I can visit Arizona as often as possible.
Things happen quickly for us. After only a few days of looking, we found a cheaper place to stay (and signed the lease). Officially committing to NOT moving across the country this year! So weird...
Ryan will be able to afford the new place on his own once I find my own apartment. And I'll be happy there while I help him take care of all the details. I will finally have a safe street for my daily walks. And I'll still have my own room and bathroom. (No boys allowed! ha ha) And... I think we're definitely moving in the right direction.
We'll slowly move throughout the month of March. Valen will transfer to a new school in April. We're not happy with his current school, so changing districts was part of the plan.
Valen is doing fine in general. He's healthy, happy, and well-adjusted. His speech is improving, but his current school did drop his speech therapy. We're going to ask the new school to reevaluate him. We also think he would benefit from repeating Kindergarten next year.
The only reason Ryan and I are still living together as roommates is our son, Valen. We know we haven't done the best job staying in one place, and we don't want Valen to feel insecure or stressed by our constant indecision. I'm not going to get my own apartment until things feel 100% stable.
And I suppose I also mean, I want to feel 100% stable. Or, at least in the B minus range. No one's perfect.
I feel like I've given up a part of myself for almost 7 years. Ryan and I met online the summer of 2007. We considered ourselves hiking buddies, but then things did become romantic for a few months. We met in June, found out we were pregnant in July, but honestly, the relationship was over by October. I was teaching at a preschool at the time, and Ryan was still looking for work. Then something happened that broke my trust. There's no need for me to elaborate, but I do think the love was gone after that.
We had the baby, struggled to pay bills, and then my old boss from Arizona asked if I was ready to move back yet. We thought we'd be fine back where we felt at home, but things still seemed off.
Changing jobs again didn't help. Ryan stayed home with Valen while I taught Kindergarten. I felt torn, caring for other children, instead of being home with my own son. It was the only way for us to get by, though. I had helped Ryan get his G.E.D. the year before, but he still didn't have many career options. I was so miserable that I was literally making myself sick. Working, taking care of Valen when I got home, and not taking care of myself. I was gaining weight again, and my kidney disease was getting worse. I finally ended up in the emergency room, running up a ton of medical bills while they ran tests on my kidneys.
By then Ryan and I were trying to make our marriage work. I thought it would be a good idea to get married before accepting a new job in a small town. I thought that's what would be best for Valen. Ryan and I were good friends, and we did feel love for each other. But I wasn't being honest with myself. There was nothing romantic about our relationship. Ryan is a good person, and he did try to do the right thing. He decided to look for a job after I got out of the hospital. Our new plan was for him to build a career while I stayed home with Valen for the first time.
Ryan did his best, but the bad luck he had with jobs over the years was beyond anyone's control. The worst luck was in Scottsdale, AZ. An aircraft detailing company hired him for a full-time position, but then they could only offer him 15 to 20 hours per week. Thankfully, I was working as a nanny at the time. And the family who hired me gave me more hours (and occasional bonuses), because they felt bad for us. It feels pretty shitty being someone's charity case. But I am grateful that they cared enough to help.
Other than being dirt poor, I was actually doing okay in Scottsdale. I was able to lose a lot of weight, walking and hiking almost every day. Ryan and I were getting along. But we knew we had to try again with his career. And here we are now, 3 years later, and we have done just that.
Ryan's doing great. He's kicking ass at his job. He's happy living in North Carolina. Valen's happy. The cats are happy. And I feel like the asshole, being the only one who doesn't know how to maintain happiness.
I've gained back every single pound I lost in Scottsdale. I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I don't know what I want for a career. My family hates me. Ryan's family hates me. I feel like this fat fucking loser. I'm so grateful for the friends who do seem to have respect for me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. And other times I know I shouldn't be talking like this. Writing about everyone hating me. It's immature. It's pathetic. It's only validating their twisted, unfair opinions of me. (Fairness, now that's a mature subject! Fuck it. I'm sad, and I feel like a little kid right now).
I'm just so exhausted from holding everything together for so many years. On my own. Any support I've received has come from the few friends who do seem to understand some of what I'm going through. Ryan is my friend, but he has never stood by me, as a husband, or boyfriend. He is trying to be supportive now, but I think that's only because I've spent years teaching him how to offer support.
I'm still crawling out of the hole I dug when I quit teaching Kindergarten. Financially, emotionally... I met with the bank yesterday, and I think I'll have our finances repaired in less than a year. But what about me? In a lot of ways, I'm still broken. At the same time, I know I'm strong. I know I'm not worthless. I know I can figure this out.
That's why I'm writing. Sentence fragments, incorrect grammar... Don't care. I just want this out of my head. I just want to be me. I'm not a teacher. Not anymore. Definitely not a writer, either. Ha! But maybe I will find my niche with something creative.
Ryan wants me to stay with him while I focus on taking care of myself for once. But I'm worried that I'm just using our friendship as a crutch. I don't know...
Valen will start at his new school in April, and I need to be there for him. Then I'll have to figure out summer daycare. I could probably work part-time if Ryan stays on the night shift, but he's hoping a day shift position will be available soon. So many variables... I want the boys to be settled first, before I officially reinvent myself.
I can do some of the work now. Just putting myself out there, listening to feedback, etc. It's scary, but I know it's good for me.
We can start moving our stuff into the new place next week. Then Valen has doctor and dentist appointments. Cats need rabies shots. I have all the forwarding, changing over bills, insurance, etc. crap to do for Ryan's new place. Then Valen's birthday. Party stuff. (Maybe a sleepover with Alayna and Isaac). Meeting with Valen's current teacher. Transferring paperwork to the new school. Visiting Eva. (She's adopting Spirit for us, because we're only allowed one cat at the new place. Thank you, Eva! We're so glad you understand what Spirit means to us). And... Yeah, I almost started car shopping this month, but thankfully the bank wants us to wait until April. The universe does have my back sometimes!
If I find the time to write in between all of this, I think it might help keep me centered. And once it's all done, I will sketch and paint and learn more about photography. And then I'll look for a real job. (Yay...) And. Oh yeah. I think I will let Ryan record me singing for the first time since I was a kid. The song we're planning is sooooooo not what anyone would expect from me. I should just go for it. And then blog about what it means. That song. Yeah, I want to do that.
Okay. Thank you to everyone who has read this far. Comments (good, bad, or ugly) are welcome. No damn time for therapy ;)
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A Work in Progress
Some of us are books with a thousand chapters. Love stories, adventures, and tragedies -- delicately interwoven. We live our lives engrossed in the current scene. If we're lucky, plenty of pages still await.
Who will your character become? You are the protagonist. Choose to be the hero of your own story. Each decision will add depth to your epic tale. Blind the villains with your inner light. Do not allow them to cast shadows on the path ahead.
Where will the narrative take you? Are you happy with this destination? Perhaps it's time to stop and rest. Reflect, just for a little while. It's okay if certain ideas aren't ready to connect. There's no need to worry whether or not it all makes sense.
Complexities and contradictions prove that you've led a life worth living. Document every honest emotion. Be thankful for plot twists and unforeseen changes. Your story is more than a mere tabloid headline or one-hit wonder. It's an authentic read for those who want to experience something real.
Listen to your audience as you share these personal anecdotes. They will see parts of you that you've never observed. Allow what you've learned to influence new words, new lines. Keep writing. Keep creating. This novel, this life, is a work in progress.
Who will your character become? You are the protagonist. Choose to be the hero of your own story. Each decision will add depth to your epic tale. Blind the villains with your inner light. Do not allow them to cast shadows on the path ahead.
Where will the narrative take you? Are you happy with this destination? Perhaps it's time to stop and rest. Reflect, just for a little while. It's okay if certain ideas aren't ready to connect. There's no need to worry whether or not it all makes sense.
Complexities and contradictions prove that you've led a life worth living. Document every honest emotion. Be thankful for plot twists and unforeseen changes. Your story is more than a mere tabloid headline or one-hit wonder. It's an authentic read for those who want to experience something real.
Listen to your audience as you share these personal anecdotes. They will see parts of you that you've never observed. Allow what you've learned to influence new words, new lines. Keep writing. Keep creating. This novel, this life, is a work in progress.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Finding the Balance
Peace does not come by force. It is the result of communication, compassion, and the desire to understand all sides of the story. The same is true for your own story, and finding the peace within. You must talk to the demons. Listen patiently, and take time to reflect. Why are they here? Why is this happening?
Life is dynamic. It's meant to be this way. Every emotion serves its unique purpose. The highs and lows add depth to the plain of your existence.
At some point you and your demons will come to an agreement. Sign that treaty and move on. The best is yet to come.
Life is dynamic. It's meant to be this way. Every emotion serves its unique purpose. The highs and lows add depth to the plain of your existence.
At some point you and your demons will come to an agreement. Sign that treaty and move on. The best is yet to come.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Sadness
Empathy is a bitch sometimes. In any given moment, I generally have an all-too-clear sense of how others are feeling. Problems start to arise when I begin taking on emotions from vicious, vindictive people who find entertainment in causing pain. It would make sense to simply avoid these assholes, but what happens when you're related to them?
I'm better off hoping for some sort of extraterrestrial heritage. It seems much more likely than accepting my life for what it is. Or, what it has been. Because I'm finally learning how to take ownership of my present life. And certain people shouldn't be allowed any part of what is mine.
I will save my sadness for those who deserve to receive its purity and love. I will learn how to calm my emotional response after being attacked. I'll strengthen my instincts for self-preservation.
Or maybe I'll just cut myself free. I don't belong in their world. I like mine better anyhow.
I'm better off hoping for some sort of extraterrestrial heritage. It seems much more likely than accepting my life for what it is. Or, what it has been. Because I'm finally learning how to take ownership of my present life. And certain people shouldn't be allowed any part of what is mine.
I will save my sadness for those who deserve to receive its purity and love. I will learn how to calm my emotional response after being attacked. I'll strengthen my instincts for self-preservation.
Or maybe I'll just cut myself free. I don't belong in their world. I like mine better anyhow.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Happiness
Can happiness be taught? Is it possible to permanently influence a person's outlook on life?
If I look at my own life -- my childhood, my choices, events that have changed my path -- what have I learned about happiness?
My childhood was difficult. It still is. I'm 33 -- yet I remain a child in many ways. I feel (and have always felt) unloved by my family. I'm glad I've come to accept this feeling, but I wish I could overpower it. I'd prefer to view the idea with pure logic, rather than allow it to fuck with my emotions. Would that help increase my happiness? If I could let go of unrealistic disappointment?
Can I choose to be happy? They say you can, but am I one of the exceptions? Have I already screwed up too many times? I don't think I have. There's still hope for me, even if redemption is decades away.
And then there's guilt. Yes, guilt. Because I should be happy. Because I do have a good life. My son is the love of my life. His dad is my best friend. We're not together (in a romantic sense), but hey -- you can't have everything. What I do have is wonderful. A few of my friends continue to be present in my life. They seem to recognize something worthwhile in me. I am grateful for them, and Ryan, and, of course, Valen.
I was given the gift of the most precious, perfect little boy. Valen is the definition of happiness. I could learn everything I need to know from him. I should quit this tedious self-analysis and start paying more attention to the Master of Joy. My son was put on this planet to educate everyone he meets about the true meaning of life. (And he's doing a kick-ass job so far!)
What does this mean for me? What can I do to help others find happiness? For starters, I suppose I should secure a better grasp on my own well-being. I'm getting there. Writing is helping me understand my feelings. As soon as I have some sort of happiness epiphany, I'll be sure to let everyone know!
If I look at my own life -- my childhood, my choices, events that have changed my path -- what have I learned about happiness?
My childhood was difficult. It still is. I'm 33 -- yet I remain a child in many ways. I feel (and have always felt) unloved by my family. I'm glad I've come to accept this feeling, but I wish I could overpower it. I'd prefer to view the idea with pure logic, rather than allow it to fuck with my emotions. Would that help increase my happiness? If I could let go of unrealistic disappointment?
Can I choose to be happy? They say you can, but am I one of the exceptions? Have I already screwed up too many times? I don't think I have. There's still hope for me, even if redemption is decades away.
And then there's guilt. Yes, guilt. Because I should be happy. Because I do have a good life. My son is the love of my life. His dad is my best friend. We're not together (in a romantic sense), but hey -- you can't have everything. What I do have is wonderful. A few of my friends continue to be present in my life. They seem to recognize something worthwhile in me. I am grateful for them, and Ryan, and, of course, Valen.
I was given the gift of the most precious, perfect little boy. Valen is the definition of happiness. I could learn everything I need to know from him. I should quit this tedious self-analysis and start paying more attention to the Master of Joy. My son was put on this planet to educate everyone he meets about the true meaning of life. (And he's doing a kick-ass job so far!)
What does this mean for me? What can I do to help others find happiness? For starters, I suppose I should secure a better grasp on my own well-being. I'm getting there. Writing is helping me understand my feelings. As soon as I have some sort of happiness epiphany, I'll be sure to let everyone know!
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Public Notebook
I know these blogs will grow into something more. For now they're enough to keep my mind in writing mode. Good practice, short and simple. And I love the feedback from my friends! Each new idea changes the path of my thoughts. I'm lead somewhere better. Somewhere more interesting.
Tomorrow I'm going to write about happiness. Eva got me wondering, can you teach happiness? She said we can give people the tools, but happiness is a choice.
I need to catch up on sleep, and then tomorrow I'll see if my brain will cooperate!
Tomorrow I'm going to write about happiness. Eva got me wondering, can you teach happiness? She said we can give people the tools, but happiness is a choice.
I need to catch up on sleep, and then tomorrow I'll see if my brain will cooperate!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Something in Writing
I've made an attempt to document a few dreams and desires. I'm not fully satisfied with the result, but I'm glad I have something in writing. In fact, I've come up with dozens of blog ideas in the past few days. Eventually I might even get some written ahead of time. That's the plan.
I want to reflect on the process so far. I guess it's going well, but I know I need a better finished product. I haven't found the time to actually finish anything yet. I need a schedule. A routine. Need to work on that...
This is a reminder to myself.
I want to reflect on the process so far. I guess it's going well, but I know I need a better finished product. I haven't found the time to actually finish anything yet. I need a schedule. A routine. Need to work on that...
This is a reminder to myself.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
My Ideal Life (Part 3)
It's funny. The most important part of My Ideal Life interrupted Part 2 yesterday.
Here's what happened:
The school bus arrived. Valen stopped at the top of the stairs before getting off the bus. He pulled up his pant leg and started rubbing a small piece of foam down his left shin. He said, "I clean it. I need soap and water." The bus driver laughed, we said goodbye, and Valen and I crossed the street.
Mommy: "Is that a treasure?"
Valen: "Yeah. It on the chair."
Mommy: "Is it part of the bus seat?"
Valen: "Yeah. It come out. I need soap and water to clean."
Mommy: "Okay. You can play with some water in the kitchen."
I gave him a cup of water and a towel on the floor. He used the "sponge" to clean toy cars and make a boat for his toy spider. Valen chatted about how the spider drove a police car, and he narrated several sink and float experiments. I played with him for a while, and then tried to get back to writing my blog.
Eventually Valen found his car that changes color in hot and cold water. So of course he needed a second container (of hot water), and ice cubes for the cold water. I wrote a few sentences while this entertained him, but in my distraction his game became more intense. Water everywhere! I asked Valen to please clean up his mess with the towel, but he said, "It's okay. Daddy's boots go in water." (Ryan recently bought new work boots, and Valen is fascinated by the fact that they're waterproof). I reminded him that his socks and my slippers are not waterproof. After much discussion, Valen decided that the floor didn't need to be wet. He cleaned up some of the water, I saved my blog, and I helped him finish the job.
And then... On to the next Valen adventure!
The best part of My Ideal Life is what I have, here and now. Being a mom is infinitely more awesome than I could ever imagine. My son is the most joyful, charismatic, inquisitive, imaginative, sweet, loving, and kind little boy. It is an honor to be part of his life. There will be many more stories to come.
But first, pictures from this morning:
Here's what happened:
The school bus arrived. Valen stopped at the top of the stairs before getting off the bus. He pulled up his pant leg and started rubbing a small piece of foam down his left shin. He said, "I clean it. I need soap and water." The bus driver laughed, we said goodbye, and Valen and I crossed the street.
Mommy: "Is that a treasure?"
Valen: "Yeah. It on the chair."
Mommy: "Is it part of the bus seat?"
Valen: "Yeah. It come out. I need soap and water to clean."
Mommy: "Okay. You can play with some water in the kitchen."
I gave him a cup of water and a towel on the floor. He used the "sponge" to clean toy cars and make a boat for his toy spider. Valen chatted about how the spider drove a police car, and he narrated several sink and float experiments. I played with him for a while, and then tried to get back to writing my blog.
Eventually Valen found his car that changes color in hot and cold water. So of course he needed a second container (of hot water), and ice cubes for the cold water. I wrote a few sentences while this entertained him, but in my distraction his game became more intense. Water everywhere! I asked Valen to please clean up his mess with the towel, but he said, "It's okay. Daddy's boots go in water." (Ryan recently bought new work boots, and Valen is fascinated by the fact that they're waterproof). I reminded him that his socks and my slippers are not waterproof. After much discussion, Valen decided that the floor didn't need to be wet. He cleaned up some of the water, I saved my blog, and I helped him finish the job.
And then... On to the next Valen adventure!
The best part of My Ideal Life is what I have, here and now. Being a mom is infinitely more awesome than I could ever imagine. My son is the most joyful, charismatic, inquisitive, imaginative, sweet, loving, and kind little boy. It is an honor to be part of his life. There will be many more stories to come.
But first, pictures from this morning:
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
My Ideal Life (Part 2)
If I could live anywhere, I know I'd choose Sedona, Arizona (again). Somewhere secluded and quiet, where I could watch my quails every morning. I miss my quails.
I'd hike deep into the canyons and leave every problem in the world behind. Trust me. It works. It's magical. It feels strange being this far away from the magic.
The stars would keep me company at night. Open skies are honest. Safe. I feel secure, knowing where I am in the universe.
My house would be small, with clean white walls and purposeful hints of color. Worn wooden flooring and simple architectural details. Minimal accessories to add character. I'd change them often to keep things interesting.
I would grow flower gardens, vegetable gardens, herbs and houseplants. The hummingbirds would never leave. I'd have fruit trees, too. (Okay, maybe now I'm getting a little greedy! But this is my fantasy, right?)
Well, that's good for now. To be continued...
I'd hike deep into the canyons and leave every problem in the world behind. Trust me. It works. It's magical. It feels strange being this far away from the magic.
The stars would keep me company at night. Open skies are honest. Safe. I feel secure, knowing where I am in the universe.
My house would be small, with clean white walls and purposeful hints of color. Worn wooden flooring and simple architectural details. Minimal accessories to add character. I'd change them often to keep things interesting.
I would grow flower gardens, vegetable gardens, herbs and houseplants. The hummingbirds would never leave. I'd have fruit trees, too. (Okay, maybe now I'm getting a little greedy! But this is my fantasy, right?)
Well, that's good for now. To be continued...
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
My Ideal Life (Part 1)
I'm just getting started. I need to write. I need practice. These blogs have been quick, mostly unedited, just to get them out there.
It could be months before I find my focus. I want to see what's really inside of me before I start organizing thoughts and ideas.
I want to help people. I'm interested in health and nutrition, with a side of art/beauty. I'd like to make the concept of healthy living prettier. Not stressful. No yelling, no bootcamp, none of that crap. Feeling at peace with your own body is beautiful. Learning how to connect with your body. How to heal. Strengthen. I could see myself creating a system that makes this easier for others.
I'd like to develop this idea. I'd like to edit and rework some of my earlier blogs. I'm confident that I'll figure out what I want to say.
I'm going to take a photography class this year. (First we have to figure out where we'll be living, and then I can sign up for a class). I'll bring my camera on hikes. Taking pictures outside is easy. I wish it was warm enough to go outside today. It's so cold that they cancelled school! (And no snow! We thought we'd have an inch of snow on Monday, but nope. Just subzero wind chills).
I'd love to make a living writing, taking pictures, and helping people live healthy, happy lives. I'm realistic about the "happy" part, though. I know I can't teach people how to be happy. I'm not sure if I can even teach myself, but I am trying. It's scary -- wondering if I can ever find a career doing what I love.
I might be happy as a teacher if I was able to find a school that supports my values. But I haven't had much luck in my search. And I'm worried that my personality isn't a good match with that career. I am able to manage a classroom and supervise assistants, but the noise and chaos does tend to overwhelm me. I should definitely read The Highly Sensitive Person.
I'm sure I can find a way to be true to myself while making a living. I hope these blogs help me discover a suitable path.
It could be months before I find my focus. I want to see what's really inside of me before I start organizing thoughts and ideas.
I want to help people. I'm interested in health and nutrition, with a side of art/beauty. I'd like to make the concept of healthy living prettier. Not stressful. No yelling, no bootcamp, none of that crap. Feeling at peace with your own body is beautiful. Learning how to connect with your body. How to heal. Strengthen. I could see myself creating a system that makes this easier for others.
I'd like to develop this idea. I'd like to edit and rework some of my earlier blogs. I'm confident that I'll figure out what I want to say.
I'm going to take a photography class this year. (First we have to figure out where we'll be living, and then I can sign up for a class). I'll bring my camera on hikes. Taking pictures outside is easy. I wish it was warm enough to go outside today. It's so cold that they cancelled school! (And no snow! We thought we'd have an inch of snow on Monday, but nope. Just subzero wind chills).
I'd love to make a living writing, taking pictures, and helping people live healthy, happy lives. I'm realistic about the "happy" part, though. I know I can't teach people how to be happy. I'm not sure if I can even teach myself, but I am trying. It's scary -- wondering if I can ever find a career doing what I love.
I might be happy as a teacher if I was able to find a school that supports my values. But I haven't had much luck in my search. And I'm worried that my personality isn't a good match with that career. I am able to manage a classroom and supervise assistants, but the noise and chaos does tend to overwhelm me. I should definitely read The Highly Sensitive Person.
I'm sure I can find a way to be true to myself while making a living. I hope these blogs help me discover a suitable path.
Monday, January 6, 2014
The Desert Never Dies
I'm an Arizona girl at heart. I moved to Sedona in 2004, a month before my 24th birthday. I left, for the first time, less than 2 years later. Back again within 15 months, and I would have stayed, but I needed better doctors during my pregnancy in 2007. Best decision ever! Valen was born healthy and strong in 2008, and we returned to AZ when he was 4 months old. Valen's dad and I had a lot of growing up to do. We chose to move several more times, trying to figure out this thing called "Life."
It's as if Arizona didn't want us. Jobs sucked. We tried to find something better. Failed again, tried again. Finally figured out a career for Ryan. Found him a good job in North Carolina. But we don't feel at home here. Sedona is the only place we've ever called home. But she may never want us back.
For now, we wait. We're getting better at this whole "grown up" thing. Our kid is awesome. At least we've done that part right. But we'd love to show him who we really could be, in a place that feels permanent.
Arizona winters are simply perfect. Incredible weather for hiking. A little snow up North. A lot of sun in Phoenix. Evergreen trees and shrubs. Rocks and rivers. Bright red soil, clear blue skies. Quail, javelina, deer, lizards. STARS! Almost every night. And the storms are better, too. Summer monsoons. Rainbows. Watching the weather change 3 towns over.
I hope we find a way to move back there this year. And if we do, I hope she lets us stay this time.
It's as if Arizona didn't want us. Jobs sucked. We tried to find something better. Failed again, tried again. Finally figured out a career for Ryan. Found him a good job in North Carolina. But we don't feel at home here. Sedona is the only place we've ever called home. But she may never want us back.
For now, we wait. We're getting better at this whole "grown up" thing. Our kid is awesome. At least we've done that part right. But we'd love to show him who we really could be, in a place that feels permanent.
Arizona winters are simply perfect. Incredible weather for hiking. A little snow up North. A lot of sun in Phoenix. Evergreen trees and shrubs. Rocks and rivers. Bright red soil, clear blue skies. Quail, javelina, deer, lizards. STARS! Almost every night. And the storms are better, too. Summer monsoons. Rainbows. Watching the weather change 3 towns over.
I hope we find a way to move back there this year. And if we do, I hope she lets us stay this time.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Waiting for the Green
Snow is in the forecast again. Brief, yet satisfying hints of a proper Winter. Enough to brighten a day while I wait for Spring.
Nature rests patiently. Her vibrant greens will return in time. For now, she provides a muted background for cold weather activity. Birds and squirrels excitedly search for food outside my window. I follow the path of a bunny's journey, mapped by footprints in the snow.
I'm learning to accept what is given by each present moment. Important lessons are becoming more clear. I feel connected. Grounded. Safe. I'm content in waiting for what's to come.
Nature rests patiently. Her vibrant greens will return in time. For now, she provides a muted background for cold weather activity. Birds and squirrels excitedly search for food outside my window. I follow the path of a bunny's journey, mapped by footprints in the snow.
I'm learning to accept what is given by each present moment. Important lessons are becoming more clear. I feel connected. Grounded. Safe. I'm content in waiting for what's to come.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Contrast
Yesterday they gave me light.
Reflected and intensified by just enough snow.
A clear sky, in contrast with cold, dark branches.
No longer dead on dead, I welcomed this gift.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Beauty Between the Lines
Remain in the present. Be still. Awaken your senses and fully experience the world around you.
Yes, it's good advice. But isn't it also a little overwhelming?
Maybe moderation is key. Halfway between zen and reality?
I do enjoy drifting in and out of those peaceful moments. I love observing my son's joy and curiosity. I live for good hikes, nature, sunshine. The pretty things, art, design.
Then sometimes it's as if I fail to recognize these wonderful things. Too many cloudy days, and I feel ruined.
Give me back my sun, my soil, some water -- river or ocean -- and I'm me again.
My hope is to stay strong, through any kind of weather. I can always find the light, even in the distance. I just need to slow down, breathe, and search again.
Yes, it's good advice. But isn't it also a little overwhelming?
Maybe moderation is key. Halfway between zen and reality?
I do enjoy drifting in and out of those peaceful moments. I love observing my son's joy and curiosity. I live for good hikes, nature, sunshine. The pretty things, art, design.
Then sometimes it's as if I fail to recognize these wonderful things. Too many cloudy days, and I feel ruined.
Give me back my sun, my soil, some water -- river or ocean -- and I'm me again.
My hope is to stay strong, through any kind of weather. I can always find the light, even in the distance. I just need to slow down, breathe, and search again.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
The Process is Enough
Over the years I've made several attempts at writing. But then I'd get delete happy and throw away almost everything. I've saved a few paragraphs on my computer, and there's a small notebook buried in one of my boxes of junk. Just need to find it.
Maybe my words will make more sense in a month or so. What if I take the best of what I've written and combine several blogs into something more coherent...
I'm a recovering perfectionist. Scared and resistant to actually putting myself out there. I haven't really let many people "in." I suppose that's what I'm trying to change this year.
I need connections. I want to feel loved. I'm so fucking lonely and... Trapped? Not sure if I feel trapped, or... Lost.
And the perfectionism just loves to creep in. I'm not including a photo with today's blog, because I didn't bring my camera to the park yesterday. I set up several Intrinsic Perspective profiles online, went for a walk, and exercised again when I got home. But I wasn't in the mood for photography.
I want it all -- a healthy life, connections, creativity. I'm off to a good start, and I'll try to ignore the whisper of "not good enough."
Maybe my words will make more sense in a month or so. What if I take the best of what I've written and combine several blogs into something more coherent...
I'm a recovering perfectionist. Scared and resistant to actually putting myself out there. I haven't really let many people "in." I suppose that's what I'm trying to change this year.
I need connections. I want to feel loved. I'm so fucking lonely and... Trapped? Not sure if I feel trapped, or... Lost.
And the perfectionism just loves to creep in. I'm not including a photo with today's blog, because I didn't bring my camera to the park yesterday. I set up several Intrinsic Perspective profiles online, went for a walk, and exercised again when I got home. But I wasn't in the mood for photography.
I want it all -- a healthy life, connections, creativity. I'm off to a good start, and I'll try to ignore the whisper of "not good enough."
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Intrinsic Perspective
Random resolutions and goals are scattered between my thoughts. I'm not sure where to focus, but writing will help me find clarity. I'll explore my views on relationships, society, culture, beauty, and my place in the world.
Right now I'm more interested in the process of writing. As I capture the essence of what's on my mind, I'll create pictures of unique moments in time. My vantage point will shift and change, and this blog will serve as a reminder of each experience.
I will find my inner light, reflect and strengthen it. Scattered or focused, my light is pure and beautiful.
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