Limbo Is Over

Sometimes life pushes you beyond what you think you can handle.  You keep getting tested, and it doesn't really matter if you pass or fail.  The next scenario has already begun, and all you can do is attempt to figure out each new challenge.

Life is being a complete dick to me right now, but I will make it through this.

My dad is gone.  He died a month ago today.  I wish I had more freedom to grieve, but the chaos won't give me one quiet minute.

I'm trying to take care of my son and his dad, but I'm running out of emotional resources to share with everyone.  My son has fallen into a state of depression.  His dad was already there.  Has been there.  Depressed.  Attempting to cope with coming out as a transgender woman.  I'm not in the best emotional state myself, so I'm doing a shitty job of being supportive.

My son also has to repeat Kindergarten next year, which ultimately will be a good thing.  But for now it's just part of the chaos and confusion.  There's no stability in my house at the moment, and I know I have to change this immediately.

Fuck feeling lonely, or unwanted, or unloved.  Fuck all the people who are making me feel this way right now.  I have good people around me.  I need to focus on them.

I think I've pretty much worked through how I've felt about wasting 7 years in a relationship with my son's dad, who wants to be a woman now.  That's Ryan's issue.  Not mine.  I have to let go of the past.  I'm fine.  Ryan will be fine.  And we both have to do everything we can to make sure Valen is fine.

It sucks that I didn't get to talk to my dad much in the last few months he was alive.  But at least our final conversation was a good one.  And it's not like his death was unexpected.  But I never could have imagined feeling the way I do right now.

Forgiveness came fast and hard, and not just for what my dad has done.  I find myself welcoming even the faintest hint of apology from those who choose to reach out to me now.  I'm letting go of judgement.  People can live their lives as they see fit.  I will only intervene if they ask.  I can accept everyone exactly as they are in this very moment.

It's time for me to move forward with my life.  Limbo is over.  I'm pretty sure limbo isn't this battleground of emotions that I've been dealing with lately.  So hey, I guess I made it through that part.  Just didn't realize this until I stopped and looked around.

In all the nothing that I've accomplished "on paper" lately, I've actually done some pretty amazing invisible things.  I have connected with people on ethereal, spiritual levels.  I've found a support group of friends who will tear the throats out of anyone who tries to hurt me.  (Seriously, watch out!  They're just as intense as I can be at times).

So, Dad, don't worry.  I'll be okay.  I've got this.  Somehow.  I have a plan.  And I'll make things better.  I'm setting up appointments for Valen today.  He'll start therapy, and we'll take him to the doctor to make sure nothing's physically wrong.  I'm going to look for a therapist for myself, too, as soon as Valen's appointments are made.  I have some ideas of what I'd like to do for work now.  And you know I'll kick ass with my resumes and interviews.  I always do.  Then I'll find my own apartment, and I'll start a brand new chapter in my life.  Clean pages.  A fresh outlook.  I'm strong enough to do this.  I have support.  And I know I am loved.